Don't judge this book by its cover

I wish I were an...

2010-05-01T20:43:00.002-04:00

actually, I just want to ride in one.

You oughta be in pictures...maybe not.

2010-02-01T17:42:00.004-05:00

A pictorial description of my last couple of weeks...

Seen on a classy van outside of Sam's Club -

Sean may or may not be modeling a friend's Snuggie type garment. This was after the margaritas had been served.

I guess the cat really was hungry.

A rose by any other name...

How are you all doing?

Out of the mouth of Evan/Einstein

2010-01-20T11:22:00.002-05:00

So Evan has this book that he loves. It is called Just Like Me...My book of Autism Heroes. Now the book is meant to be serious, but I do wonder, if one were to create an autistic superhero cartoon character, what would that look like?

I digress.

So, anyhow this book goes over many famous and notable people that have Asperger's or Autism, and teaches kids about how they made a difference in our world. Evan reads this book over and over. He has developed a special affinity for Albert Einstein. Having always been one to pretend to be various people and characters, I wasn't too surprised when he came downstairs like this... "Hey, Mom, look, I'm Einstein!"

Not unlike the real Albert Einstein, no?

I'm thinking that Albert Einstein didn't use HALF A JAR OF AXE "MESSY LOOK PASTE" to achieve his fabulous 'do. Let me just say, the showering afterwards was quite interesting.

God, I love this little boy...

Funny...cheesy, but funny.

2010-01-18T09:01:00.003-05:00

Here are a couple of cheesy laughs for you today...first here is my friend Thomas J. Kelly, with the world premiere remake of "Pants on the Ground", as seen on American Idol.

Second, a joke my friend Jen sent me -

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now bepossible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just agood old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

You're welcome...giggle...snort.

Fun at the store with Deb

2010-01-14T08:20:00.002-05:00

Seen at Walgreens...

My first thought is who I would slap chop first. I think I would start with that guy on the label.

That little thing called Aspergers.

2010-01-07T16:33:00.011-05:00

Yeah. So, buried beneath my recent revelations http://http//debland.blogspot.com/2010/01/should-old-acquaintance-be-forgot.html from my last 6 months was this little tidbit...

#6. I found out our son has Asperger's syndrome.

I didn't bury it for reasons that you might think. I didn't even bury it purposefully. It's just that it is so new, so raw, so complex that I just can't really articulate myself at this point. Of course there are much, much worse things for a child to have. I know that, really I do. But as a parent, who loves her children to the core, it is a revelation that just slaps you in the face and thrusts you into a reality you didn't plan for, you didn't ask for, and that YOU DON'T WANT.

I'm not sure how much to say here, and how to say it. I'll do my best. Evan is a unusual child, with a super creative brain, an insatiable curiosity, a huge heart, and the face of an angel. I feel like I'm shortchanging him by describing him so succinctly, but that is the way communicating words on a screen can fail you.

We have had many challenges with Evan since he was a little guy. In some ways, it feels like we went on a merry go round for years and years and the diagnosis of Asperger's has made the ride stop. As much as I hate it, it fits him. There is a bittersweet comfort in getting an answer...the answer. I know it has been helpful to him. He finally has a basis to start understanding himself. This is a child who has told me repeatedly... "I'm different. Why am I different?" We have always told him to celebrate being different, and he really has. He has a book he reads about Asperger's and other autism spectrum disorders. It is called "Different Like Me." It highlights noteworthy people who have been on the spectrum. It has given him a positive perspective and role models to look up to. His latest dream is to be like Albert Einstein (who had Asperger's). My dream for him is to be the best he can be, all while loving himself and accepting himself.

This school year has been difficult for Evan. As he grows up, it is increasingly apparent to the other boys that he is different. It is hard to be an eccentric introspective 8 year old. Especially one that doesn't like, and can't really play sports. He has been getting bullied. A lot. We are in a simultaneous process of trying to figure out what his needs will be in the public school, all while researching private alternative educations for him. Lots of details. Lots of changed plans. Lots of shattered dreams, and new dreams forming. I wonder if I'm grown up enough to handle all of this.

I'm not sure how much to go on here, so I guess I'll leave it where it is for now. I'm happy to answer questions, or discuss details that I didn't cover here. Just let me know what, if anything, you would like to know. In the meantime, I leave you with some pictures.

This is not Asperger's. This is my son...

We will make it. He will make it. We won't let him down.

Oh me of little faith...

2010-01-05T15:39:00.002-05:00

I underestimated him. Note the almost complete shedding of the needles after the dragging out. There were copious amounts of needles EVERYWHERE. The tree looks like a tumbleweed...

For The Love of New Years...

2010-01-04T06:29:00.010-05:00

I suppose I should stop ranting about how I don't like New Year's. Then again, I suppose I should stop doing a lot of things that I have no intention of stopping. So, I will continue my rant and rave, and see if I can't lose all of my readers on my 3rd day back.

So right now we are dismantling Christmas. You know, that whole "get organized" New Year's thing? Know how things get worse before they get better? Well that is the stage we are in. I've got bins of stuff out all over the house, partially filled and waiting for me to continue the job. Trouble is, I've kind of lost interest in this whole packing up thing. Sean has never possessed an interest in packing up, which brings me to the next situation.

In addition to the bins that are around, we are currently sporting a very, very, VERY dead tree. I undecorated it yesterday, with some reluctant helpers. Sean got the lights off of it, and then it was time for church. I figured that of course, immediately after church, it would be his priority to drag the tree out of the house. Wrong. Instead, I come to find that he has to write 9, YES 9 employee reviews that were due, oh, THE NEXT DAY. Tree continues to grace living space.

Why haven't I drug out the tree? Good question. The primary reason is that I tend to be, oh, how shall we put it...an orthopedic nightmare? Don't believe me? Case in point:

1. I blew out my ACL in my knee playing in a baby pool with my kids.

2. I tore the main tendons in my foot putting on a high heeled shoe.

After a few reconstructive surgeries on various joints and appendages, I generally try to avoid things like dragging giant dead trees out of the house, because inevitably I will hurt myself and then be out of commission for months. On top of that, it is now a matter of principal. He needs to get the tree out of the house.

Until then my friends, I am relegated to this view, which I will share with you all...

EXHIBIT A - GROWING A PINE NEEDLE CARPET

EXHIBIT B- NOTE THE SEE THROUGH FEATURE ON THE TREE

Ok kids, time for our first game of the year!!! Take a minute, ponder, than answer this question...

WHEN WILL THE TREE GET TAKEN OUT OF THE HOUSE??

A. Monday

B. Tuesday

C. Wednesday

D. Thursday

Out and about with Deb

2010-01-03T00:01:00.001-05:00

This one just speaks for itself...

I am a fan of the speed hump.

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

2010-01-01T21:46:00.002-05:00

Hey...it's been 6 months. Why did I stop blogging? There is no one good answer for that. Let's just say that timing is everything. It would be impossible to completely catch you up on the last 6 months, so here are 10 random things that have happened to me since I've been gone. This is a random mixture of both silly and serious.

I got my first pair of Converse All-Star "Chucks". I do feel rather bad ass in them. The only thing tempering my bad-assness is the fact that I have to put my orthotics in them to wear them.
I lost my all time dear dear Uncle Archie. The world has lost one of the best people ever. Total heartbreak. Can't even begin to describe.
I FINISHED SCHOOL. WITH HONORS. I'LL BE GETTING MY FIRST COLLEGE DIPLOMA OF MY LIFE WITHIN A FEW WEEKS. OMG.
Keeping with the school theme, I visited and toured both a landfill and a sewage treatment plant.
I am wearing my hair blunt cut and auburn-ish.
I found out our son has Asperger's syndrome.
I have had my heart broken into a million pieces.
I know that despite some unfortuntate circumstances, things are the way they are supposed to be.
I am really on the road to "moving past" my past.
I'm still wildly silly and immature. I refuse to apologize for this.

I'm not a fan of New Years. At all. Hate it. Why? Not sure I need to explain. But since resistance is futile, let me be one of the first to wish you all a Happy New Year. I hope to reconnect and share my life with all of you once again in 2010. Hey, that rhymes.

Give me a shout out! Let me know you're still here, even if you do it anonymously.

Overheard the other night...

2009-07-08T06:08:00.003-04:00

Sean (turning around to look at me): "I'm starting to think that you think Anderson Cooper is hot."

Deb: (trying to refrain from laughing her ass of in Sean's face) " What makes you think that?"

How quickly they catch on.

I'm here.

2009-07-05T22:54:00.003-04:00

Saw a lot of these guys at our 4th of July parade. My opinion is, a kilt is a SKIRT. Weigh in here. Kilt = skirt?

Ashamed, and COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT.

2009-06-09T09:31:00.002-04:00

***Hanging my head in embarassment***

Has it really been a week since I've posted? Are any of you still out there? Here's hoping that you are. If not, then this blog will remain only for my mere entertainment. As we all know, an entertained Deb is better than a bored Deb.

I digress.

So, I'm working on a 100 things segment for Debland, because, well, you know, I'm sure I haven't told you all there is to know yet. Sadly, my plans for getting this together have been impeded with silly things such as my new Philosophy class, last week of school for the kids, getting ready for a huge party at my house Saturday, oh, and one last tiny little detail. We're leaving for vacation Sunday. Pass the Xanax please.

In the meantime, while I get my shit together, I wanted to share this creepy ass book that I saw at Petsmart yesterday. Really. Is this really necessary?

Yeah. Exactly.

If you're still hanging around, comment and say hi. I'm needy like that.

Taking some of the "Dick" out of Cheney...

2009-06-02T18:26:00.003-04:00

People who know me well, know that I have never been, nor will ever be a Dick Cheney fan. This is putting it mildly. However, yesterday's headline led me to believe that perhaps, at least on this subject, he and I can agree. Glad to know there is something reasonable about this man...

By the way, comments welcome on this one! I know politics can get touchy, but I'm all for a spirited (and respectful) debate. I understand some of my readers do not share my opinion, but am curious to know as a whole what my readers think.

Cheney on gay marriage: 'Freedom for everyone'

WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday he supports gays being able to marry but believes states, not the federal government, should make the decision.
"I think, you know, freedom means freedom for everyone," Cheney said in a speech at the National Press Club. "I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish, any kind of arrangement they wish."
Cheney, who has a gay daughter, said marriage has always been a state issue.
"And I think that's the way it ought to be handled today, that is, on a state-by-state basis. Different states will make different decisions. But I don't have any problem with that. I think people ought to get a shot at that," he said.

I'll bet a lot of guys will purposely park their cars illegally...

2009-05-29T09:19:00.000-04:00

A simple wish

2009-05-26T15:47:00.001-04:00

I do not wish good things for the person who thought that styrofoam packing peanuts were a good idea. In fact, when they die, I think they should be packed in them when buried.

Gotta go and clean up the mess...

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

2009-05-23T20:38:00.004-04:00

So it has been a little warm around here lately. Not super hot, around 80 degrees. Nice weather. I've broken out the capri pants and bermuda shorts...nothing crazy. Unfortunately, some of my fellow citizens seem to have taken the warm weather and run with it. Over the past few days, I have seen a disproportionate number of men driving around WITHOUT SHIRTS ON.

Now, if it looked like this fine specimen, we would not be having an issue...

Yes, that is Anderson Cooper. Yumalicious.

No friends, what I have been seeing is this...

Manboobage. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not hating on anyone here, but perhaps we shouldn't DRIVE AROUND IN OUR CARS LIKE THIS SO EVERYONE HAS TO SEE.

It's like I'm living in an episode of Cops. Oy.

Things you don't want to have happen to you...

2009-05-21T16:40:00.003-04:00

Have your left contact lens rip in half in your eye while driving on a winding road. This is highly unpleasant.

Continue to drive, with one eye shut.

Try to do your shopping with one eye shut. You look like Popeye.

That was today.

Yesterday -

Put off spring "ladyscaping" for too long. You'll have a fight with this...

My Schick Intuition will never be the same. It obviously doesn't have very good intuition, because it had no idea what feats it was going to have to perform. I'm thinking it will go on strike.

2. Go to a fabric store, only to get yelled at by the woman working there because I don't know a lot about fabric. WTF? Aren't they supposed to help you there? I DO NOT think they are supposed to ask you why you are there if you don't know what you're talking about. Yes, that really happened.

3. Go to IKEA for a "few things." It never is a few things when you go into their fab marketplace.

That, my friends, is what is going on in Debland. It's an exciting life, but someone has to lead it.

Introductions

2009-05-18T19:41:00.006-04:00

I had planned for this day, but it was like planning for a party that I didn't know when would happen!

I'm on TopMomma!!!! http://www.topmomma.com/

Welcome Top Momma readers!! I wanted everything to be perfect when you came, but I just wasn't prepared enough. Kind of like having someone pop over when your house isn't in order, which for me is a frequent occurence.

I'm Deb. Nice to meet you. This is Debland. Debland is a fun and silly place where I can just be me. There is something for everyone here, or at least I have convinced myself of that. Come take a look around...I talk about a little bit of everything, such as:

Things you should not buy your kids -

http://debland.blogspot.com/2008/12/onmylist-books-you-probably-shouldn-buy.html

adventures with my not crafty self -

http://debland.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-happens-when-you-dare-crazy-person.html

hospital stays -

http://debland.blogspot.com/2009/01/this-was-actually-sign-on-my-dads.html

things I need -

http://debland.blogspot.com/2008/08/what-do-you-need.html

boobs and trips to NYC -

http://debland.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-want-to-be-part-of-itnew-york-new.html

This is simply a taste of Debland. I hope you'll sit back, put your feet up, and read a while. Come back often, and introduce yourself to me too! Always room for new friends...

Introductions

2009-05-18T19:38:00.001-04:00

School's out for summer...well actually only 3 weeks.

2009-05-14T20:31:00.008-04:00

Another semester is over. I was fortunate enough to get a 99 in one class and a 96 in my other one. Woo hoo!!

This whole going back to school thing has certainly has its ups and downs. Life as a "non trad" as I'm called certainly differs from that of a recently graduated high school student for sure.

Not that I'm complaining. It's just a different life than I had originally expected for myself. Then again, isn't life vastly different in many ways than the one we picture back in the days of our ignorant youth?

Oddly enough, I am a far better student now than I was in my past life. Contrasting with my ventures in high school and early years of college, I care deeply about my school performance and see things now with a far greater clarity than I ever would have had I graduated college in 1993, as I "should have."

Do I have regrets? Sometimes. Don't we all? I'm starting to believe however, that things are working out exactly as they should have. When I started back to school last January (08), it seemed as if this would never work. I'm now slated to graduate this December. While it is only an Associates degree, progress is progress and I am proud to have made it this far. That bachelors doesn't seem as insurmountable as it once did. Besides, I am very excited at the prospect of holding a degree that has the word "ass" in it.

Last Friday I got to experience a major fringe benefit of being an adult non trad student. See exhibit A:

Yes. I got to have drinks at the Ritz Carlton in downtown Philly with my way fun professor. Yes, it is as nice as it looks. Yes, the drinks were very expensive. Yes, it was super fun and chic.

Yes, after 3 cosmopolitans, I am glad I took the train.

Still here...

2009-05-11T20:58:00.002-04:00

In case you were wondering, I'm still around.

Does anyone else find it disturbing that I like looking at this picture of the back of my hair?

Just wondering.

Even if you're not a cat person...

2009-05-05T06:16:00.002-04:00

this picture of Ellie is pretty cute, no?

Help me caption this picture...

Aftermath

2009-05-03T07:21:00.003-04:00

Thanks to all of you for your good wishes. J is doing very well after her surgery, and things are slowly moving in the right direction for K. You guys rock.

Got to spend Friday night in J's hospital room. This is the same hospital my dad was in earlier this year. I would imagine you guys remember the fun mayhem I was able to create there in January. Just in case, check this out...

http://debland.blogspot.com/2009/01/his-ass-is-not-grassfor-now.html

Now given the fact that it wasn't my parents who were in the hospital, and that I didn't have the distinct pleasure of trying to rile up my mother, I will admit that I was much better behaved this time. However, I am pleased to announce my accomplishments from this recent hospital stay...

I got to have a sleepover party in J's hospital room. Yes, this means I was able to spend the night in a hospital recliner. Awesome! A recliner, that whenever I decided to move, would make a fart sound. I'm thinking that the hospital staff was slightly dismayed at what would seem like excessive bowel sounds from room 249.
I invited our friend Sue to come over to the hospital Friday night for a little hangout time. By the time she got to the hospital, the one entrance door was locked. She called me from outside the hospital (actually in the street our room was facing). Just for a point of reference, so she could find us when she got in, I, at her bidding, raised the shade and shook my booty out the window. Quite a show.
Had a great visit with Sue and J. J. decided to partake in narcotics consumption, and wound up passing out and sleeping the whole time. Obviously Nancy Reagan's "just say no" campaign did not work on J. However, Sue and I decided that she is indeed a great listener.
J woke up and we had a great heart to heart talk in the middle of the night. (ok, fine, this is a serious comment, but whatever...)
I got to eat Famous Amos cookies from the vending machine, and had a Coke for breakfast. I also was able to snag the yogurt off of J's tray. Lemon.
Made friends with the nursing assistant who brought water around. Convinced him to stay in the room for a bit to hang out. We banged styrofoam glasses while declaring cheers, and I tried to cajole him to help me figure out a way to get the hospital nutrition to serve lattes to friends that decide to camp out in their friend's hospital room. Didn't work. Drank Coke instead.
Made friends with Cindy, an awesome nurse. Had fun visits in the room with her that consisted of shoe shopping stories, comparing our Dansko shoes, and just had some general fun therapy type conversations with her. Tried to convince her that she should just ditch work and hang with us for the day. Again, not successful, because apparently Cindy wanted to keep her job.

Truthfully though, the best part was that J did awesome, and got discharged yesterday!!! YAY!!!

If any of you are ever in the hospital, I am available for hire. I'm a cheap date. Just buy me some Famous Amos, and help me score a latte, and I'm yours.

Not everything is funny...

2009-05-01T07:44:00.002-04:00

I just don't have it in me today. Too much going on. Today, I want to ask all of my readers to send good thoughts to two of my friends who have a little much on their plate right now. My one friend J is having major surgery today, my other friend K just is getting bombarded from all directions and needs some peace.

Can you guys remember them in your thoughts and prayers? That would be awesome.

I promise my next post will be the usual Deblandish stuff. Hey, I kind of like that word Deblandish - much better than outlandish, don't you think?

Found at the inlaws on Easter -

2009-04-29T21:17:00.001-04:00

Yeah. I'm that immature.

2 times in one day...

2009-04-28T15:02:00.002-04:00

I caved.

I did.

I installed LinkWithin. This little handy gadget will allow my readers to read old Debland posts. As I understand it, after any new posts I make, it will suggest old posts of mine to read. Since I have a fair amount of new readers, it may give you a glimpse into this bizarre mind that is me. Let me know what you think.

School update...last class today...got a shoulder rub after class, in front of the teacher.

Sigh. Oy. He obviously doesn't get it. Not looking for advice, just sharing with you, my faithful Debland devotees...

Can't decide...

2009-04-28T10:01:00.004-04:00

Thanks to all of you for your most helpful responses regarding my school "situation". Although I loved all the input, these two really jumped out at me.

Anonymous:

Dan, Well bless your heart! I must decline, but my husband has several degrees and has offered to help.

another jones said...

Tell him it's been burning when you pee lately and you really don't want to miss your doctors appointment.

By the way, here's what really happened. I sent this email back to him, after discussing it with Sean (my husband).

Dan,

You are welcome for the notes. I hope they are helpful.

As far as getting together to study, I was talking with Sean (my husband), and he is going to be working on our patio he is building this weekend, so I'm going to need to be home to keep an eye on the kids. He had a good idea though - you certainly are welcome to come study over here if you like. Sunday afternoon would be best for me. Otherwise, another option would be to get a few people together from class sometime and study at school.

Let me know your thoughts. See you in class today.

Deb

I get to class last Thursday, to find him waiting for me. We briefly discuss him studying at my house, with my family here. He seems less than thrilled with this possibility. We agree to email if we want to pursue it. No one emailed each other.

I think this case is closed. I am grateful for the funny interlude it provided - but I must admit, my summer ONLINE class is looking pretty good right now...

It is my last lecture day today!! Almost done...

Congrats to Anonymous, and another Jones. You guys just might land yourselves a Debland tee.

Best answer wins...

2009-04-22T15:15:00.003-04:00

Well, went to school yesterday, and to my relief, there was no fanfare or nonsense from the young man who asked me out the class before...if you need a recap, click here...

http://debland.blogspot.com/2009/04/wanna-go-steady.html

So, you can imagine my surprise when I got this email on my iphone today - I copied it and pasted it below... (also, I need to add that he knows I am married. We've discussed it before.)

Thank you again for the notes. They are very detailed. What are you doing this weekend? I was wondering if you would like to come over and start studying some of this stuff for the finals. I am suppose to be kid free this weekend. You can email me back or let me know in class tomorrow. I'll see you then.

Dan

****umm...hello?????????????????

This is where you all come in. Please help your ole' pal Deb out by posting a reply email in the comment section. Be as creative as you wish. That is all I have to say right now. I'm pretty much in shock.

Monday Madness

2009-04-20T06:43:00.002-04:00

A few random things swirling around in my mind today.

1. Have to read an entire book today and write a paper about it due tomorrow. Hmmm. I wonder if going out to breakfast with friends is a good or bad choice?

2. Had a bunch of girls over on Saturday night. 11 people...church girls. They are way cool. I think they learned some new stuff from me. Thanks to a CERTAIN BLOG READER OF MINE, THEY ALL NOW ARE KIDDING ME ABOUT MY "30 YEAR OLD BOYFRIEND!" Yeah. great. They all took delight in rubbing my shoulders and asking me for my class notes.

3. Blew out my back on Sat. Putting laundry in the dryer. It is a dangerous life here in Debland.

4. Are you following me? If not, please feel free to add yourself as a follower. Just scroll down the right hand side of the blog, and click follow. You'll be doing me a favor. An ego boost. Might even save me another week of therapy. Don't make me turn this into a PBS pledge drive.

5. Check out this website - http://www.lovelylisting.com/. It is a hilarious site of crazy homes for sale. It will provide a good laugh on this rainy Monday morning.

That's all for now. Must start getting people ready for school. Me included.

Wanna go steady?

2009-04-17T07:01:00.002-04:00

I finished the bulk of my crushing school load!!! Oh yeah!! I now resemble a washed up, overstressed, ball of exhaustion. And I'm not talking about the book I have to read and write a paper on by Tuesday right now...too stressful. Thinking happy thoughts.

As I was walking through school yesterday, I realized that in many ways, I felt like I was in high school. This particular building I'm in this semester as I have mentioned is kind of an example of all things you should not do when designing and building a college building. Think 60's mental hospital/correctional institution/government building. While navigating the halls yesterday, I was dodging copious numbers of 18 -20 year olds who were bouncing around, screaming, pushing...you know, having fun. I felt like I was a misfit in some sort of dysfunctional John Hughes movie. I'm not to the point where I'm old, hunched over, and pointing at "those damn kids" yet, but give it 10 years and that would probably be the case. Good thing I'll graduate this December.

I arrived early at History class, only to be greeted by my teacher, who was eating lunch. To be specific, he had a Mediterranean plate. Hummus, tabbouleh, feta, etc. Good but stinky. While chatting with him, I was treated to a dancing piece of tabbouleh that was stuck in the corner of his lip. I wasn't sure of the ettiquette there, so I didn't do anything.

I should add at this point that I really, really like the professor. I found out he isn't much older than I am, (only 6 years) and he seems to appreciate having a student that actually remembers some of the history he teaches. And, someone who laughs at his dumb jokes. He is actually funny.

So, class starts. Over the course of the class, I am asked by a couple of people if I can give them notes from missed classes. No big deal. I get email addresses, and promise to send them out this weekend. After class, I linger and chat with the professor along with this other student who is in his early 30s. This is a common occurence. There is a nice dynamic between us. We agree that after the semester, the three of us are totally going downtown for cocktails. (Note: this is another advantage of being an older student that gets along with your professor- free drinks!)

We (the other student and I) leave class. I tell him I'll email him the notes this weekend. He puts his arm around my shoulders, rubs them and tells me that I should just bring them over some night to his place, and we can just hang out. Enter the John Hughes movie. Maybe Sixteen Candles. Except he isn't Jake Ryan, and I am certainly no Molly Ringwald.

Oh, and one other small detail? I'M MARRIED.

I smiled and said, "I'll just email them to you. Have a good weekend!"

My overall reaction? Surprised, and flattered. Not going to follow up on the invitation.

The best part? He thought I was 29.

School rocks.

It's raining, it's pouring. Fun with Deb at the store, Vol ??

2009-04-14T10:05:00.003-04:00

Follow along here, it should make "sense" in a little bit...

It's raining here today. It's raining a lot. I have to go take a test today at school, so I'm contemplating my outerwear. Contemplating it while I should be studying.

So, raining made me think of trenchcoats.

Trenchcoats made me think of flashers...

Flashers made me think of Target, or what I saw at Target the other day......clear plastic raincoats. In ugly ass colors. Now, mind you, I've never flashed anyone,(sort of), so I'm not an expert here. I DO think, however, that if one used this raincoat for flashing, it would kind of take the mystery out of things. Just sayin.

Yeah. Flashing. Hmmm. I am a bit messed up. Back to European History studies...

Must. buckle. down.

2009-04-13T07:48:00.002-04:00

I have a horrendously busy school week this week.

Problem: I don't feel like doing all this stuff. I am fairly overwhelmed at the moment.

Wish me luck...

Who could be such a loser?...oh yeah, me.

2009-04-10T17:49:00.007-04:00

I feel like Linus did when the Great Pumpkin never showed up. Like a kid who got coal in their stocking. Like someone who farts in public in a really, really quiet place.

I feel stupid!! Why?

I FORGOT MY BLOGGIVERSARY!

Yes, last year in the beginning of April, I decided to grace the blog world with my presence. All this year, I had plotted. I dreamt, I thought about how great my one year anniversary would be!

Apparently, me being in school, being a mom, and all of the other hats I wear have taken precedence. They have robbed me. I'm officially robbed! Oh, the humanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait! I have balloons!!!

Oh, wait, they're not blown up. They just look like deflated testes. (Not that I've ever seen deflated testes, but it is what I think they would look like. Well, hopefully they wouldn't be one red and one blue, but you know what I mean. Right? RIGHT??????)

Sigh. Happy bloggaversary. From me to you. And to your testes or other special parts you may have.

Fun with Karen and Bob, part 1

2009-04-07T17:36:00.003-04:00

Karen and Bob are my parents. They are 2 retired crazy people. Perhaps one of my siblings can jump in here and explain why, but that may be a bit difficult.

Anyhow, they have the stupidest conversations and exchanges. Stupid, but amusing. These folks have way too much time on their hands. Here is an excerpt from last Friday at their house...

Bob: " I can't find the funnies (aka comics)"

Karen: "Did you check the blue chair?"

Bob: "Of course I did Karen!"

Karen: "Well I don't know where they are then."

Bob: "It doesn't matter. I'll be fine "

5 minutes later

Bob: "I can't find my funnies. I'm turning into a cranky old man."

Me: "Turning into one? Why don't you go see what is on Fox News?"

Bob: "Very funny."

Some time passes. Dad (Bob) decides to amuse himself by watching the 12:00 news turned up way too loud, while watching sitting in the dark.

Deb: "That is so depressing. He's in the dark watching the TV."

Karen: "He always does that. That is how he likes to watch the news."

I decide to leave. Sadly, a huge thunderstorm starts. I decide to postpone leaving the madness so I don't get drenched. My mom and I sit in the living room. Dad comes in, and sits in his blue chair that is automated with a remote control. (don't ask) The phone rings.

Bob: (staring at the caller id) " I don't know who it is, I'm not getting it."

Karen:Well it might be Ann (her friend). Pass me the phone."

Bob: (starting to get up)

Karen: "No Bob, just throw it."

Bob: " I'm not going to throw the phone."

Karen: "Just throw it over here."

Bob: "Karen, I'm not in a throwing position. Hold on."

Seriously, l am not making this up. Dad grabs his remote, pushes the button to push his ass up out of the chair a bit (it is one of those old people chairs), and tosses the phone. Not only does he not get it to my mom, but it goes way over onto the other side of the room.

Karen: "What kind of throwing position is that?"

Me: " You know, I just could have passed that."

Thunder and lightning continues. It is about 12:30.

Mom: "I have to get busy with dinner.":

Me: "Mom, it's lunchtime."

Mom: "Well, I have to look at the label on the canned salmon to see how much sodium it has."

Me: "Ok, that will just take a minute."

Mom: "But I have to calculate your father's sodium intake for the day."

Me: "Ok, that will take a few minutes. I think you're ok."( I should add that my mom went to an Ivy League college. She can do the math)

Bob: "Karen, have you seen the funnies?"

Karen: " Oh, I put them out with yesterdays paper, after I hid the crossword puzzle."

Bob: (makes some audible sound of disgust)

Me: "Mom, why did you hide the crossword puzzle?"

Karen: " Because I couldn't get it and it was annoying me."

Me: "That's it, I'm leaving."

Karen: " It's still raining."

Me: "I don't care, I have to go."

Karen: " Where?"

Me: "Therapy. Thanks to you I know what I'll be talking about."

Yup. Fun, fun people. Fun, old, retired people with too much time on their hands. There is more where this came from.

P.S. I'm swamped with school, so forgive me if I don't post much. Keep checking back and I'll do the best I can!

Fun at the store with Deb, Vol 3

2009-04-03T07:01:00.002-04:00

Let's all just take a minute and lament the fate of Mr. Carrot.

Setting: The hot foods bar at the store.What happened? My hypotheses...

1. They were playing The Apprentice, and carrot got fired.

2. Carrot is having a identity disorder of some type.

3. Carrot got voted off the island.

4. Carrot just needs some quiet time.

5. Carrot is incarcerated on the hot plate.

6. Carrot is in a sauna.

7. Carrot has oppositional defiance disorder and won't conform.

8. Carrot desperately escaped to avoid his certain fate of ingestion, only to die a slow death of dehydration.

9. Carrot is an advertisement (i.e. sandwich board) for the carrot population.

10. Carrot is a victim of discrimination and/or bullying.

It is times like these where we must think about the carrot, and what society could have done to prevent this. Other hypotheses welcomed.

Something more appetizing to look at.

2009-03-30T12:33:00.003-04:00

Went to the shore this weekend with some girlfriends to celebrate my friend Susan's birthday!! Now, I know that a picture of my face being waxed is awesome, and delicious, but check out what we got to eat:

It was as delicious as it was pretty.

Happy Birthday Susan!!

No one got drunk or sloppy, so these are the only pics I have to share. If you want, I do have more waxing pictures though!

Thumbs up for Friday!!

2009-03-27T09:02:00.002-04:00

Try not to become overwhelmed by the sexiness you are about to see...

update...

2009-03-26T09:42:00.002-04:00

Thanks to all who weighed in on the situation I described yesterday. Just thought I would follow up on what she did.

The next day, she called up the hostess and explained what had happened. So, the host checked the chair, and sure enough, there was a minimal amount of stain. It cleaned up just fine and she and the host had a good chuckle.

I think my friend has more courage than I do, for sure.

I'm thinking I should start an advice column.

2009-03-25T07:02:00.002-04:00

Thanks to all who commented on the bratty kid down the street...

So, a friend of mine, once she found out I had asked your opinion about that situation, wanted me to ask my blog readers how they would handle a situation she found herself in. When I say friend, I mean an actual friend, not a "friend" who is really me. Believe me, if it were me, I would tell you. It's too good not to share.

Apologies in advance to my male readers, although of course, they too should weigh in on the subject.

Said friend is in peri menopause. Apparently this means you can have irregular and sometimes heavy bleeding during your cycle. Unfortunately her cycle fell during the week of her book club. But, the book club has both snacks and wine. So, she went (walked there).

3 or 4 glasses of wine later, she makes a trip to the restroom, only to find out that she has bled through everything. Not good. She then goes back to the living room to check out the chair she was sitting in to see if it too, got, well, adulterated.

Here is the problem. The book club was still in full swing. It was dimly lit with candles, which made a thorough chair assesment impossible. She also was a tad tipsy. She excused herself and went home.

Here is the question: What would you do the next morning? Would you call the host of the book club that you don't know super well and ask about the chair? Or, would you leave well enough alone and hope for the best? Or, is there another solution?

Weigh in folks. Oh, and if you are currently experiencing your Aunt Flo right now, let me be the first to wish you "a happy period."

Your vote - brat, or not a brat?

2009-03-23T19:16:00.002-04:00

Before I launch into my latest story, I have to fill you all in on the Anderson Cooper picture. Here is how the conversation went...

Deb: Hey, do we have Photoshop?

Sean: No, we don't.

Deb: But I thought we did.

Sean: No, we don't have it.

Deb: But weren't you editing a picture recently?

Sean: yes, but it wasn't with Photoshop.

Deb: Which program was it?

Sean: I don't know, some online one.

Deb: So, you know how to edit pictures?

Sean: Yes, why?

Deb: (chickening out) No reason, just wondering.

Sean: (gives me a look and goes back to his This Old House)

As of now, there will be no pic of me with Anderson. However, one astute reader did comment that surely Anderson was reading my blog on his laptop.

*******************************************************************************

Anyhow, on to bigger and brattier things. Bus stop crap. I think I've mentioned a few times that I am not really a bus stop person. Too much mommy chatter or something. Plus, kids. Lots and lots of kids. Moms chatting + kids running rampant = not my style.

This story was relayed to me by my neighbor last week. I told her I would blog about it to get your opinions. There is this 2nd grade girl at our bus stop, who is rather precocious, and kind of nosy. (these are my assesments of her). Plus, her mom is not a friendly person.

Last week, my neighbor, who is a good mom, was standing at the bus stop with her son. While waiting, she puts her hand in her coat pocket only to discover the typical mom assortment of stuff that winds up in all of our pockets. She decides to sort through it while waiting. The little girl comes up to her, stares at her, and asks what she is doing. Meanwhile, it is clear what she is doing. This kid is 8. My neighbor politely tells her that she is sorting through some stuff in her pocket. Kid keeps staring at her. While sorting, a quarter drops out of my neighbor's hand, and lands on the ground in front of the kid. The bus comes. The kid scoops up the quarter, yells "I'm gonna buy a snack with this at lunch!" and runs and gets on the bus.

Her mother wasn't there. Even if she were, she wouldn't have done anything to the kid. Her oldest kid once hit a pregnant woman at the bus stop, and she shrugged it off. I digress though.

Tell me, is she a brat, or not a brat????

Don't you think he looks lonely?

2009-03-20T10:10:00.001-04:00

A picture of Anderson Cooper in a hotel room checking email. Should I photoshop myself next to him, or would that be weird?

No Irish Luck here...

2009-03-17T15:21:00.003-04:00

What is fun on St. Patrick's Day:

Wearing green (unless it is a Thursday)
being silly
drinking
celebrating

What isn't fun on St. Patrick's Day:

Watching your husband hurl. Especially in the kitchen trashcan. (no, he hasn't been drinking)
Wondering if you're going to catch whatever bug he has.
Having psychosomatic sympathy stomach pains.

Hoping your day is healthier!!! Happy St. Patty's Day!!

Off to go buy a new trashcan...

Mmm, Mmm...good?

2009-03-14T21:10:00.002-04:00

My last 24 hours:

1. Took my daughter downtown Friday night to play in her orchestra at the swanky Union League, which is basically a playground for the rich and snotty. I did NOT attend the concert as it was a fundraiser for her orchestra. $225.00 per ticket. No thanks. Their endowment isn't first on my list of things I'm worried about.

2. After concert: picked up her 10 year old friend at 9:45 at night to help out a friend of mine who needed her to stay at my house for a night.

3. Came home around 10:30. I had a test that had to be taken and turned in by midnight. It was midterm week this week. Had not quite finished studying for said test.

4. Attempted to finish studying listening to two giggling girls upstairs "trying to fall asleep".

5. Took test, turned it in by 11:45. Got an A. I rock. Actually, I'm lucky.

6. Went to bed at 1:00am.

7. Woke up in middle of night because our first cat (aka resident cat) broke into the girl's room to launch an attack on our newest cat Ellie. Managed to avert a major catfight without waking up tweens.

8. Woke up this morning to tweens jumping on beds with the 7 year old boy.

9. Stopped bed jumping.

10. Tried to go back to sleep.

11. Had to stop bed jumping again.

12. Gave up on the notion of sleeping. Got up and made breakfast.

13. Decide to take the kids to see Pink Panther 2. Stop at Wawa to pick up snacks to sneak into movie theater.

14. Go to theater with purse bulging full of contraband. Feel like a criminal at this point.

15. See movie. We are the only ones in the theatre. Weird. Funny movie.

16. Take kids out to Benihana for lunch. Try to keep 7 year old boy occupied while tweens have usurped my iphone to take pics of lunch and email them to borrowed tweens mom.

18. Came home, tweens play. The 7 year old is outside. Tween mom calls and says she is on the way to pick up.

19. My friend Jen calls. She needs to come borrow a blazer for her son for First Communion tomorrow at church. "No problem", I say. I'm always glad to see her and the kids.

20. Jen comes. Blazer fits. Tween mom comes. We hang out. Tween mom collects child and leaves. Jen says she is leaving to go make dinner for her family.

"Stay here," I said. Call hubby and have him come over. Let's do dinner.

Folks - I had nothing decent in the house to feed anyone. What was I thinking??? As I had mentioned, it was midterms this week, and the store trip just didn't really happen. Sean's been working non stop for weeks and hasn't been around, contributing to my lack of store-going. Here's what I gave them...

- leftover meatloaf and mashed potatoes (from Tuesday)
- leftover stir fry (from Thursday)
- leftover Chinese dumplings
- frozen pizza

All leftovers, heated up and thrown together. Isn't that charming? Luckily for all parties involved, Jen's husband showed up with old soft pretzels. I believe they may have been the highlight of the meal. I have to say, that they are the most fab people who appreciate anything you offer. However, this is the lowest I've gone. I even forgot to serve Tim the tapioca pudding I promised him.

The hostess with the mostess!! I'm off in search of a bowl of cereal.

The second installment of...

2009-03-12T08:58:00.004-04:00

Fun with Deb at the store!

I found this little gem at Wegman's.

Everyone, prepare yourselves for -

Every once in a while, it is fun to have a big one.

Parenting Do's and Don'ts

2009-03-11T06:19:00.009-04:00

I've been out of the baby phase for some time now. My kids are 10 and 7. So, when my friend Emily sent this to me last night, I was thinking how helpful they would have been back in the day. Here's hoping I can help someone out with these helpful tips...

2009-03-10T00:01:00.001-04:00

Remember this?

http://debland.blogspot.com/2008/12/onmylist-books-you-probably-shouldn-buy.html

Check out this list...

Little Golden Books That Never Made It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
14. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
15. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
16. Strangers Have the Best Candy
17. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
18. You Were an Accident
19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
20. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
21. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
22. Your Nightmares Are Real
23.. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
24. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
25. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
26.. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

There is so much to say, yet I'm speechless.

It's been a long time since I've...

2009-03-08T14:16:00.005-04:00

won a blog award!! This little gift came to me courtesy of Rachel, from http://areservationforsix.blogspot.com/. Make sure you go check her out! No, I'm not saying that just 'cause she gave me something. (But it doesn't hurt.)

Wanna see it? I knew you did. Behold, the "Premios Dardo" blog award! Rachel calls it the smoking typewriter award, which seems more apropo. Here is what it means:

"given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing... created with the intention of promoting fraternization between bloggers, a way of showing affection and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web."

Wow. I feel so literaryish. Ha! It says I have values! Ha! Oh, wait, it says personal values. Yeah. My values may differ from that of the general population. But the good news is I have this venue to spread my "values" all over the place, which to me, is a blessing.

Rule 2 of getting this award: I have to put my name in a Google search in any fashion I choose, and share with you the top 10 results.

For the first 5, I put in "DEB THINKS". Apparently, this is what is on my mind -

Deb thinks Brad Pitt should be sexiest man alive - No, Deb doesn't. Have we not gone over the whole Anderson Cooper thing here? Gees.

Deb thinks green - I do, but NOT on Thursdays. In my high school, if you wore green on a Thursday, you were apparently horny. Thursdays were called, "horny green Thursday."

Deb thinks Carly is pregnant - That hussy? Who doesn't think so?

Deb thinks we could eliminate that and take walks or ride bikes - Umm, no.

Deb thinks she has jokes! - No, Deb KNOWS she has jokes.

For the next 5, I put in "DEB DOESN'T.

6. Deb doesn't add an option in update-alternatives - WTF?

7. Debbie doesn't do Dallas - I stopped doing that a long time ago.

8. Deb doesn't apply cleanly - Is nothing sacred anymore? Really, did we have to go there?

9. Debbie doesn't do battles - obviously, Google doesn't know me very well.

10. Debra doesn't take the dare - see above. I do enjoy a good game of truth or dare.

Well, that was fun. I learned a lot about myself. Instant therapy. What the hell am I paying that doctor for anyhow?

So, I'm supposed to pass this on to 10 people, but I will instead pass it on to all of my fab readers who would like to take this award, play with Google searches, and pass it on to friends. If you're feeling lazy and selfish, just take the award and do nothing with it. I make no demands upon anyone, with the exception that they come read every day, comment, buy a Debland shirt, start a game of Scrabble on FB with me, and otherwise help hold up my fragile self esteem. See, I'm an easy cheap date!

One thousand, nine hundred thirty one.

2009-03-05T10:25:00.004-05:00

Aka...1,931.

This is how many umm...times, uhh, that my aaah, professor said umms & aahs in the month of February.

Please join me in congratulating Jessica Bern on winning the UMM contest!!

Jessica guessed 1,900. Pretty damn close, huh?

Jessica not only wins a $25.00 gift certificate to one of these fine stores:

Starbucks
Bath and Body
Kohl's
Macy's
Home Depot
HomeGoods
Dunkin Donuts
Barnes and Noble
Amazon.com
Trader Joes

but she also wins a custom Debland t-shirt!! Actually, Jessica gets one item of her choice from my new Debland CafePress store.

I am currently waiting on Jessica's acceptance speech, and will post it as soon as I get it. I'm sure this is better than any silly Oscar or Academy Award.

Bad news: The rest of you did not win. If any of you are feeling sorry for yourselves, just be glad that you weren't there and had to listen to umm...aaah...umm...uhh over and over again.

Good news: You too can own your very own Debland novelty items!

Go visit my new shop at www.cafepress.com/debland

and buy something nice for yourself. All shirts have printing on the front and the back. Yup, they'll be staring at your backside, people!

No, I am not making a profit. I had the option of marking up the items, and just said no.

That's just how I roll.

Don't I rock?

I thought so.

Congratulations Jessica!!

We have a winner!!!

2009-03-04T22:41:00.001-05:00

Tune in tomorrow for the winner of the umm...uhh...aaah...contest!!!!

Yes, I know who the winner is, but I'm simply too catatonic to do a proper post. Feel free to whine/yell at me in the comments section.

NYC Recap

2009-03-02T13:05:00.003-05:00

It all started with tickets given to me by my friend MommyC! Here is my sister Lisa proudly displaying our good fortune.Never wanting to miss an opportunity to be on camera, I felt the need to show mine off too.Lisa tried out to be their go-go dancer for the morning, so she got a front row seat. Look at her gloating. At a commerical break. Note, I was not trying to get a picture of Kelly here. Anderson is in the background...hubba hubba.
Kelly cavorting with Lisa during a commercial...I can only imagine she is saying..."Me, 100 lbs? bite your tongue!!" Again, note Mr. Man of Incredible Hotness in the background. I'm pretty sure at this point he's looking into the crowd to find me.

One of the guests - The Donald! His hair is as ugly as you would imagine, yet he was a charming guest. Very funny dry sense of humor. Can't imagine why I would like that

The next shot should not be confused as a gratuitous picture of Anderson's ass. It is simply a shot depicting art in journalism.

I did ask out loud to the audience coordinator. (during a commercial) if Anderson would go out to lunch with us. I even offered to pay! I can't imagine why they said no. After that, it was all a blur...

Even the Tom Selleck segment, which I did not get any pictures of. I was too consumed with Mr. Cooper. Upon exiting the studio, we were greeted by staff from ABC. My first thought was that I would be arrested for harassment, then to my delight, we were given tickets to ANOTHER SHOW!!!

Guess which one? Guess who was the guest? Another super hot person who surely would want to hang out with us, right?

We got to go to The View!!

Rob Lowe was the guest!!!!!!!!!!

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot hot!

He is an engaging and, how do I say it, a HOT GUEST.

My buddy, the warm up comedian from The View, Thomas J. Kelly, was kind enough to introduce me to the whole audience, and even gave out my Debland web address!

How freakin' cool is that?

I want to return the favor...go visit Tom at one of these websites

www.ihateweddings.com

www.tsa.com

www.thomasjkelly.com

Not only is he hysterical, he is a nice guy.

After spending the whole day at TV shows, we ran out of time to do lunch and shopping. It was still worth it. We made a quick run to H&H bagels, Zabars, and for the best part, we went to Magnolia Cupcakes. Nothing like some unbelievable cupcakes to top off a great day! We had the following awesome flavors:

carrot cake with cream cheese icing
red velvet
devil's food with marshmallow icing
vanilla with vanilla bean icing
chocolate mocha
Anderson Cooper - mmm...that one was my fav.

It was a great day with great company!

More to come...

2009-02-27T16:43:00.004-05:00

NYC was a blast!!! I will post pics this weekend. In the meantime, I will leave you with this...

Anderson Cooper - HAWT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kelly Ripa - weighs about 60 lbs and wears truckloads of makeup. Seriously, she is a very normal looking person.
As usual, we had fun, and a most unexpected adventure.

Stay tuned.

Road Trip

2009-02-26T00:01:00.003-05:00

Look out NYC!!

Lisa, Diane and I are going to Regis and Kelly today...only...

NO REGIS!!!!!

Instead, this Mr. Hottie Hot will be hosting-

Yeah baby! Tune in to ABC at 9am EST to watch Anderson meet his 3 angels...Anderson's Angels.

He'll never be the same again.

Neither will NY.

The real danger is here.

2009-02-25T00:01:00.001-05:00

Worried about your job? Your depleted 401K? The safety of the U.S. economic system?

Good news...none of those things matter!!! The truth, is that we were in serious danger with orange juice.

Here is the real evil of our culture -

The new Tropicana carton.

Finance - Tropicana to Abandon Much-Maligned Juice Carton
http://www.comcast.net/articles/finance/20090224/tropicana.to.abandon.much-maligned.juice.carton/

"PepsiCo Inc.'s Tropicana Products juice division said it is dropping a new carton just six weeks after rolling out the design to great fanfare, after customers complained that they couldn't differentiate between the company's pulp-free, traditional and other types of juice."

interjection by Deb: Umm...duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How stupid are people?

Luckily, this clear and present danger has been thwarted by Pepsi.

I would love to stay and talk more about this, but I must be going. I have to write a complaint letter to Maxwell House. I can't for the life of me figure out which package of their coffee is decaf.

We all have to be good at something.

2009-02-23T16:53:00.002-05:00

So, in my *free* time, I have become a slave. A slave to Facebook Scrabble. I'm not talking about a quick game here and there, I literally have 2-3 games going at once, all of the time. One would think that if I were playing the game so much, surely it would be because I am winning, correct?

NO.

I lose all the time. The people who beat me, enjoy beating me frequently. I play with my neighbor, who is a genius with words. She is a librarian by trade. Hello? Just call me Mrs. Donotstandachance. However, I persist, because she is a fascinating person who I get to chat with while we play. Even if I can't get her to type or say the word fart. That's another story.

I play with another bloggy friend, who, I'm embarassed to say, I don't know what her trade is. Obviously it is in something that makes her way better than me, most of the time. (although, knock on wood, I am currently winning against her)

I also have begun playing with a real life friend from church. (Note the word church, as it will be poignant in a minute). Generally she beats me, but there is a new development...

Innuendo Scrabble.

Yup. it is what it sounds like. You have to type a word with some kind of sexual innuendo, then you must use the chat function to pontificate as to what your point was when playing that word. Here is a little snippet of some of the phrasing that has been used...the actual Scrabble word will be in bold. I will not mention who said what.

Sean, don't shoot your rifle prematurely

get in the zone with the ho

bent weiner

don't do it and bolt

do a complete gonad check every time

itchy vulva

This my friends, is just the tip of the iceberg. (no pun intended)

Wanna know what the sad part is?

I've won this game more than I've lost it.

Gotta go. It's my turn.

Hey, at least we don't play it AT church.

The day after

2009-02-20T09:43:00.011-05:00

Wow. What a day yesterday. Thanks very much to Marinka for a fabulous blog post! So, I'm sitting here this morning wondering how/what to post after such a great posting legend is on my site. I'm waiting for greatness here, you know, inspiriation of epic proportions.

Not going to happen, I'm afraid. But, I'll talk about what is on my mind today. 25 things. Yep. Those incredibly annoying memes on Facebook that everyone is doing. By the way, I can't remember if I did it...how pathetic is that? I don't think I did.

I've read a lot of these things. Some are funny, many are pathetically sappy, but in my mind, they all kind of conform to the establishment. The older I get, the more I feel the need to buck the establishment. You know, the rules are meant to be broken, anarchy view of life? Ok, maybe I'm not an anarchist, but you get what I mean. You can't be an anarchist when you have to wear special shoes. I'm oppositionally defiant, I suppose.

Today let's try an experiment - 25 things to/about someone or something else. It could be a friend, a family member, a neighbor, whoever. Let's write reality statements. It doesn't need to be mean spirited (necessarily), it just needs to be real. I'll get you started, and you guys continue it in the comment section. Try to number them, and we'll see if we can get to at least 25. If we go more than 25, the more the merrier!

To my neighbors:

1. Several years ago, all the neighborhood mommies were drooling over your husband when he was planting all those bushes outside WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON.

2. We all saw you that time you came out to water your flowers and had forgotton to put your pants on. We also saw your wife come out and yell at you to put your pants on. Good stuff.

To my MIL:

3. It isn't ok for you to ask me what size I wear just because we were out shopping together over the anniversary celebration weekend.

4. When you turned 69 a few years ago, I couldn't stop laughing when I saw those numbers on your cake. Neither could the other DIL. Oh, your son too.

To/about my therapist:

5. I was serious when I told you that if you served margaritas, I would talk a hell of a lot more.

6. You remind me of Michael Scott from the Office.

About my blog readers:

7. You guys rule. I have a fabulous time with you all.

8. I really love comments. Don't be shy.

**update** we now have #9-25 completed! Please check the comment section so you can number your items. :)

One from the east coast.

2009-02-19T00:01:00.001-05:00

Kids, today is another lucky day here in Debland. First, I had the privilege of Jessica Bern(www.bernthis.com) being a guest poster all the way from California.

Today, we will hear from a way cool east coast chick. Everyone, please welcome Marinka, from NYC (http://nycmomandmore.blogspot.com/) She is friends with Jessica. Like Jessica, she is filled with truckloads of humorous observations, and you get to read them. I'll never think about pepper mills again without remembering Marinka.

Note to my other bloggy buddies: One of these days, you will be asked to guest post for me. Beware!!

And now, heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss Marinka!!

Pepper Mill

I used to date a man who was way too good looking for me. Like people would see us together and I could read their minds. "She must be loaded," some would think. "She's got to be a cousin or something," others would be convinced. "You can't tell from the looks of her," yet another contingent would muse, "but I bet that she has a trick pelvis or something."

The price that I paid for being in an unnatural relationship is that this Adonis mortified me in restaurants. Our food would arrive, and the waiter would drag the table leg of a pepper mill over , asking "some pepper?" Now, I have no idea why they don't just put a pepper shaker on the table and spare everyone this song and dance and if I ever meet the person who started this trend, we will have words, believe you me, but I'm one of those people who accepts things as they are and doesn't push for change. You won't find me on the front lines of any revolution, unless the front lines are being served chocolate mousse, in which case, just try and keep me away from whatever the hell cause it is that we're fighting for.

But anyway, back to Adonis. Somewhere he read (while moving his lips, no doubt) that people who salt their food automatically before tasting it are not too bright so he decided to expand it to pepper, to demonstrate hyper intelligence. So the waiter would come along and ask "some pepper?" and Adonjs would say, "I don't know yet. I have to taste it first." And then the waiter and I would be in a state of suspended animation while he tasted the food. As with all things dating, at first I found this charming, then old, then irritating and finally it took all my earthly restraint not to choke him at the table while beating him over the head with the pepper mill. I'm pretty confident that the waiter was at the last phase immediately.

"Could you maybe just pass on the pepper or something?" I asked him. "Making the waiter stand there while you chew is super annoying."
"If I don't taste the food, how am I supposed to know if it needs pepper or not?" he asked me. It was a logical argument that I couldn't win, especially when he analogized to the sommelier bringing a bottle of wine and waiting while the drunk examines its legs in a glass, takes a sip and says something like "this will be fine, thank you." (Side note: I find that annoying also. Another side note: I'm pretty sure that instead of calling him the sommelier, he called him the wine guy.)

Finally we broke up. No, it wasn't because of the pepper, but I'm telling you that it didn't help. Neither did the fact that I earned more money than he did. I may be homely, but I'm not stupid.

VD hilarity part 2

2009-02-18T06:49:00.002-05:00

When your husband hands you dessert on VD that he decorates like this, you have a good idea of what might be on his agenda. P.S. I wasn't wrong.

VD hilarity part 1 (no, not THAT VD. Valentine's Day!!)

2009-02-16T21:17:00.003-05:00

Had a fairly uneventful and borderline pleasant day. Then, MIL came over. Check out this card she brought -

Yes, I apparently am "daughter". I am simply a gratuitous quotation mark. Do I want to be daughter? Definitely not. But, I really don't like being called "daughter". As it turns out, the verse inside the card indicated that this was a card for a son and his common law wife. (By the way, we will be married for 15 years this fall. It said things like "couple", me being a "part of their son's life", etc. I don't think she realized this. That got me thinking about what kind of card I could have gotten her for the big anniversary...

Have a "happy" golden anniversary.
To a "special" lady.

Hope you enjoyed "your" hotel room.

You say you want a revolution...

2009-02-12T09:19:00.002-05:00

I have a test today. Not for my online class, but for my history class. The subject matter? The French Revolution.

I never studied any of this (I don't think) prior to now, so I do find it quite interesting. Especially the whole revolution thing. Basically, if you got pissed off as to how something isn't really working for you, you can just create an uprising and it can change.

I'm thinking about my own Deb revolution. Here is a list of things I feel I need to challenge...

Shaving my legs - this gets old after a while
cramps - self explanatory
kids homework
sick parents
MILs - don't worry, there are more stories coming.
a house that doesn't seem to be able to self clean and launder
my homework
professors that say umm too much
people that HAVEN'T ENTERED THE CONTEST YET. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
caloric contents of food
definition of "healthy" food
the fact that candy is not a fruit or a veggie
exercise
my brain
winter
belly buttons - eeew.
packing lunches
making lunches
forgetfulness and inability to memorize anything for school. Seriously, my mind is a sieve.
Bus stop mom chatter
snotty orchestra moms
Maestro
being in therapy
having to wear special shoes since my foot surgery
change
going to therapy to make peace with the past, learning not to put a lot of weight on the past, but then being in a class where it's all about the past, past, past. Mixed signals????????????
makeup
"not so fresh" feeling
tweenager types
MILs
MILs
MILs
blog block
MILs

I'm sure there is more where that came from...by the way, just so you don't peg me for being a pessimist, the list of things I love about my life is as long, or probably longer than this one. But that isn't good blog material.

Now, I need ideas as to how I should begin my revolution, you know, start it. The only thing that comes to mind is streaking. I'm thinking that is a no no.

Umm...aaah...uhh

2009-02-10T07:13:00.007-05:00

***UPDATE - A FEW NEW PRIZE OPTIONS HAVE BEEN ADDED***
***ALSO, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR GUESS INCLUDES THE ENTIRE MONTH OF FEBRUARY, INCLUDING THE NUMBER I GAVE YOU!!!****

My spring semester of school started a couple of weeks ago. I'm taking two classes. One class is online, the other is on campus. Campus? No big deal, right? After all, Statistics was in the big new Advanced Technology Center. It had a fancy coffee bar, big rolling office chairs, large desks...what's not to love? Well, ok, the statistics. But the surroundings were posh.

My other class this semester is History. History 107 to be exact. Post modern European history. A freshman class that I had brushed off for a while, knowing that it would be there when I decided to take it.

First day of class: I walk into my assigned building. A building, at best, that could be characterized as a fine example of 1960's prison modern architecture. Ugly as sin. Is it hoagie day or something? No, that would just be body odor and stagnant air.

It can't be that bad, right? I fight my way through the teenage crowd and find my room. What a room, indeed. No rolling desk chairs. Tiny, one piece chairs with a teeny tiny desk attached. A room full of people that look catatonic. I'll be fine, I tell myself. I sit down.

My professor walks in. He proceeds to sit down in the front of the class and finish his lunch. Crumbs are coming out of his mouth when he chews. A staff member walks into the room to ask him a question, but he can't answer it due to the large number of pepperoni slices, cheese, and crackers that have been crammed into his mouth. I answer the question.

Finally, class begins. The first 10 minutes of class, he explains that this is not high school, but it is college. He tells us why college is so much better than high school. I am 20 years out of high school, but who is counting? He then proceeds to take role. You know, where they call out your name, and you have to say "here". This isn't going well.

Finally we begin. Within the first minute, I know we have a problem. An "umm" problem. This guy says umm more than anyone I have ever heard. Really. Don't believe me?

IN ONE HOUR, HE SAYS UMM 312 TIMES. YES, I COUNTED.

Maybe it is just a fluke. I go back the next class. 263 times. I am now hooked. I am a counting fiend. The last day of January, I go again. 270.

See a pattern here? It is now February.

Feb 3rd - 275

Feb 5th - 270

Get where I'm going with this? Yep. A contest.

How many times in the month of February will Deb's professor say ummm? (remember to include the two days I told you about)

I've given you the first 2 days of February as a guide. I go to this class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Here is how many classes left this month...

Feb 10

Feb 12

Feb 17

Feb 19

Feb 24

Feb 26

The person who guesses the closest, without going over wins. What do you win? Glad you asked. You will win:

A $25.00 gift card to your choice of:
Starbucks
Bath and Body
Kohl's
Macy's
Home Depot
HomeGoods
Dunkin Donuts
Barnes and Noble
Amazon.com
Trader Joes

and a custom designed

Debland t shirt!!!

So, let's see some bets cast here...even my lurkers...you know who you are...

Just to umm, well umm, make sure we're umm clear here, here are the rules again.

1. You must be the closest without going over.

2. You must post a comment in the comment section on the blog, not by a private email.

3. One vote per person. Once you vote, you cannot change it.

4. I will accept entries until this Friday, February, umm...13th.

Tell your friends, tell your family...umm, tell, umm...whoever. Let the games umm.. well...umm begin.

Tuesday is the new Monday

2009-02-09T21:51:00.002-05:00

Umm...hi.

I didn't get the contest together today. So sorry. My dad is on the fritz again, and today was kind of tied up with other issues.

Come back tomorrow...I'll have it together by then, ok?

Ouch.

2009-02-07T10:06:00.001-05:00

I have cramps. Just thought I'd share that with everyone. Have a happy period weekend.

Contest starts on Monday!! Stay tuned.

Fun with Deb at the store, Vol 2

2009-02-06T07:05:00.005-05:00

Last weekend, I had the good fortune of going outlet shopping with my 2 SIL's, and of course, my MIL.

I had no idea Coldwater Creek was so X rated...look at this hoochie mama mannequin:

I mean, really. Thinking that perhaps they had put on a fig leaf or loincloth on the front side, I decided to investigate further...

Nope. I guess when you're wearing such a hideous jacket, nothing else matters. At least they have a book about what cowboy boots you can wear with your ensemble. Naked cowgirl.

The morning after...incident 2

2009-02-05T07:55:00.003-05:00

So, after the whole room switching debacle, we go out to eat. Sean's sister and family were waiting at the restaurant for us...they waited for 1 hour!!

We get into the restaurant, and J, Sean's mom, proceeds to explain to the sister that we were late because WE INSISTED ON GIVING THEM OUR ROOM, AND WEREN'T WE SO GENEROUS, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I had a couple of beers with dinner. First one was consumed before I even put my order in. Unfortunately, the table was too large for me to announce to Sean's sister why we were REALLY late...as we're leaving the restaurant, I tell her.

Fortunately, we find a short cut back to the hotel...gotta love GPS systems! We hightail it to our new digs, quickly change, and hop into bed. Oh, and I took a Xanax. How could I not? A half hour later we wake up to banging on our door- the rest of the family got back and want to "hang out". Yeah. Right. It was 11:45.

Next morning:

After a hearty family breakfast, it was time for the big family picture. She is all about the perfect picture. So, we donned our Norwegian sweaters (she is Norwegian and wanted us all to match). We meet in front of the big fireplace for the big photo shoot. Everyone except for Sean's parents. For some odd reason, she is upstairs, gussying up for the picture. We wait. Wait. Wait. The 7 kids start getting restless. There is 1 13 year old, a 10 year old, 9 year old, 8 year old, 7 year old, and 2 6 year olds. Four of these kids are boys. Three of them are 7 and under. Not only are they wearing a turtleneck and sweater they can't stand, they are also waiting.

I give the kids gum to keep them occupied. Reds and husband (who as I said is very sweet), make their entrance. We start assembling the group shot. She determines that she wants a picture with her own kids. Here's how the scenario unfolds.

Confusion...15 people all talking at once.

Me: "Ok, Fruit of Their Loins, get over here for a picture!!"

Most burst out laughing. The little kids don't get it. J just stares at me. I say to her, "isn't that a romantic way to look at it? If you would rather, I would be happy to call them spawn."

Picture is taken. The three kids (aka fruit of their loins) are smiling away. We then assemble the group picture. J notices the kids gum, and makes them all spit it out. The kids make it through the picture, and then come back to me looking for more gum. I give it to them. She then decides we need more group pictures. Seeing that they have gum, she flips out and makes them get rid of it.

We get through most of the pictures, she turns to look at me. I have gum, and was chewing it in between shots. She says to me "I'd better not see that gum in these pictures."

Sean's brother "Ok, one last shot!!" Everyone smile!!!

I blew a bubble.

Hi, my name is Deb...

2009-02-04T07:12:00.003-05:00

I got this from Missy...http://is-it-just-me-missy.blogspot.com/

72%

I am busy trying to think up an excuse, but am not coming up with any good ones. Therefore I will belligerantly embrace my addictive blogging self. Take the quiz and let me know if I'm in good company.

***By the way, I'll have more weekend updates, just be patient!****

The first incident

2009-02-03T07:25:00.003-05:00

After a 2 hour partially snowy drive, we arrived at our weekend destination for Operation 50th Anniversary at a snowy resort up north. We were the first to arrive. My father in law (who is a sweet man), had booked a block of rooms for everyone. We checked in, got a key and some complimentary Starbucks coffee, and settled into our room.(aka unpacked) The sun had just set, and we had (note the word had) a beautiful view out of two picture windows on the 7th floor in the hotel's tower building. I was reading (blogs), Sean was relaxing, the kids were reading. The kids were so excited to see their cousins.

After about 1 hr passes, there was a knock at the door. Then a glimpse of firery red hair, accompanied with a sneering beady eyed surveying face. First thing out of her mouth:

"Oh, so THIS is what you get when you get here first? Our room is soooo much smaller."

Sean: "Mom, this was the room they gave us, we had no idea there were different rooms."

J aka Reds: " No, no, it is fine, I mean it's only our 50th anniversary." Walks out of the room.

Alissa: "Is Grandma taking our room"?

Deb: "Sean, your mom is pissed. Go in her room and talk to her. Just nonchalantly offer to switch rooms, and I'm sure she'll politely decline. After all, we have 4 people, and they only have two. We've already unpacked. It's just polite on our part."

Sean leaves. Comes back in a few minutes with both parents. Sean's Dad, also "J" says "J, they have 4 people in here. It will be a good room for the cousins to play in. We only have 2, and our room is plenty big."

Reds " Yes, but this room has a really nice view. I think we'll take it."

Next 15 minutes:

We're packing, moving across the hall, moving their luggage. Evan is crying, I'm shushing, all while composing this blog post in my head. We get into our new room, and I see a refrigerator in it. I tell Sean "Hey, it's not all bad, we've got a frig."

Sean: "Oh no, she'll take it." Starts to unplug it and carry it.

Knock on door, red hair appears again. "Sean, where's our refrigerator?" "It's ours and we need it."

Me through clenched teeth : "He's lugging it across the hall for you now. He's probably got a hernia too."

Reds: "Good."

And there begins the weekend of narcissism.

Things I have learned from Jessica

2009-02-02T09:34:00.002-05:00

Many thanks to Jessica Bern for a great guest post this weekend. (((((((((Jessica)))))))))

Apparently, the above is a way of clapping for someone in typed form. Jessica, consider yourself clapped.

The other day my husband said I had a *fertile mind* which I suppose is a good thing. I mean, being told you're pretty or funny is really overrated. I want to hear stuff about my brain. Yup.

Jessica has taught me a few things from her post. Specifically, I have learned...

Jessica is funnier than I am.
Jessica has a good group of readers who were kind enough to visit Debland.
That even though I am only 37, I had better get one of those LifeAlert systems, because it is very clear that I am likely to be abandoned by my family during some horrific accident.
I cannot walk around anymore thinking that my half 'stache is ok. Yes, I have a 'stache, but it is only on one side of my lip. The left side to be exact. K? I get an A for honesty. Anyone who is laughing can shut it.
If the 'stache isn't ok, the chin hairs surely must go. Also, that stray hair on my left boob should go too. Clearly, the left side of my body is rebelling. Damn that right side of my *fertile* brain.

Stay tuned for stories from my weekend. Let me just say that it delivered good blog material. I will also say that I am very glad that I have therapy this Friday.

Oh, and if you're still reading, I'll be doing a contest soon. Get ready for some fun.

It's not me, it's her.

2009-01-31T07:23:00.003-05:00

Hi folks! While I am in exile with my inlaw side of the family, I decided to treat you all to a fabulous guest blog post, by none other than the lovely and talented Jessica Bern. Jessica is from the LA, CA area, and is a hysterical , talented actress and comedian. Please go visit her blog and web series at http://www.bernthis.com/ . And now, I present to you, Jessica Bern...

HAIR TODAY, WAXED TOMORROW

Not long ago, the crew from the local firehouse came to my daughter's school to teach them about fire safety. They arrived first thing in the morning and brought along with them their Dalmation "fire dog" Wilson and from the moment he (the dog) walked in, Phoebe went completely deaf. After going over what to do in case of an emergency, all the kids lined up to pet the dog. After Phoebe was finished I pulled her aside and asked her:

JESSICA: What number do you call if there is a fire?

PHOEBE: Wilson is a Dalmation and I have a Dalmation doggy too, at my mommy's house. (a stuffed one)
JESSICA: Do you remember what you're supposed to do if your clothes catch on fire?
PHOEBE: Wilson licked my hand after I pet him.
JESSICA: 9-1-1. That's the number you need to call if there is a fire or if somebody gets hurt. It's very important you remember that.
PHOEBE: Is daddy picking me up today?Now, we all know that I am a single mother. If something happens to me while Phoebe and I are at home, clearly, I'm a goner. I can see it now. I'm lying, unconscious in a pool of my own blood, Phoebe walks in, sees the blood and yells, "Mommy, you got paint on the floor". Then, after making a slight attempt to wake me, Phoebe walks back into her room, grabs her Dora coloring book and a paintbrush, comes back, sits down next to my now rotting corpse, dips the brush into my blood and proceeds to color.

Of course, with this scenario in mind, I can't help but feel yet even more pressure to find a partner, if for no other reason than just to give me a chance to survive at least until the ambulance arrives, which brings us back once again to the firemen. I would be remiss not to mention that on the whole, I happen to think that firemen are very, well, okay, "hot". Not all, just most and today was no exception. Having forgotten they were coming to the school, I showed up wearing an outfit that basically screamed, "I won't screw you but if you let me, I'll do your laundry." I wasn't thrilled at my lack of "preparation" but I still did my best to look pretty and available for dinner.

After the "show" was over, I went to have my eyebrows waxed. While I was there the woman asked me if I would also like her to remove my mustache. I laughed, because of course, I'm a woman and women don't have mustache's...right? And then I looked in a mirror. As the waxer pointed out how close I was to looking like Colonel Sanders, all I could think was either I'm not really a woman or my testosterone levels have gone through the roof and Phoebe now has TWO daddies. As I laid on the waxing table, I called my friend to ask her advice.

FRIEND: Of course you should do it. What are you waiting for?
JESSICA: I've never done it before.
FRIEND: Really? I thought you let it grow because you didn't have enough money to wax it. JESSICA: All this time and you've never told me you thought I had a mustache?
FRIEND: I just figured you knew. I mean, I'm sorry to be blunt but, hello?

I couldn't believe it. I've been walking around, for who knows how long, looking like Tom Selleck and no one thought it pertinent to tell me? Okay, perhaps, I may have noticed a little bit of a darkish shadow up there but not a BEARD!Of course, I went for the lip wax and the entire time I'm lying there, all I could think of was how many places I'd been, men I'd seen and auditions I'd been on where they were looking for someone to play the role of a WOMAN but instead got me.

Oh God. Is it any wonder I'm still single? Really?

What I'll be wearing this weekend

2009-01-29T21:32:00.002-05:00

Going away this weekend with my inlaws for the WHOLE WEEKEND. It is their 50th anniversary, which is nice, but I'm not sure it is worth my sanity. Haven't packed my clothes yet, but the Xanax is safely tucked away in my suitcase.

Ass' well that ends well

2009-01-28T21:08:00.001-05:00

My dad was discharged today. So was his ass.

His ass is not grass...for now.

2009-01-27T15:04:00.004-05:00

So, my dad went back into the hospital yesterday morning. He woke up, and was confused and unable to answer questions from my mom. Having had a history of strokes (and most other maladies), my mom took him to the ER. After running some tests, they admitted him to the stroke unit, and are further testing him to see what exactly happened to him.

Not funny stuff.

However, when I was at the hospital this morning, he got his daily "care plan" from his nurse. See exhibit A:

as you can see, the diagnosis above is "Mental status changes, not ass." I am SO relieved his ass is ok. I was worried for a while that he would have to have a proctologist consult. I mean, his ass looked ok to me and my mom, but you can never be too careful in such circumstances. Besides, given the fact that it is my dad's ass, I wasn't really checking it out too carefully.

So, I told my dad that if perhaps he would get his head out of his ass already, he would probably not be quite so confused. My mom was not amused. Dad, however, thought it to be quite funny. His cardiologist was in today, and I wanted to confer with him as to my dad's ass status, but my mother wouldn't allow me. What a buzzkill. Especially after I have watched countless hours of Fox News with dad yesterday and today. THAT is a dedicated daughter.

Hope you are all well, especially your asses.

I am hole-ly

2009-01-25T21:16:00.000-05:00

Folding my laundry the other day. Looks like my socks aren't doing so well.

We're all winners.

2009-01-21T21:31:00.003-05:00

Surely you all remember my post from the other day about losing the pee-pee contest...

http://debland.blogspot.com/2009/01/happy-and-sad-endings.html

...so of course you know my brother Chris was the big winner. Big, big winner. Yup. Big winner. Some of you may have read his comment about this purported victory.

I've decided that yes, Chris is the winner. But I want all of you to share in his delightfulness and bask in his good fortune. Fellow Debland blog readers, please join me in congratulating:

Chris!!!!!

Bringing sexy back.

2009-01-20T18:35:00.003-05:00

This was actually a sign on my dad's hospital wall...

Nothing like a cheery near death sign to give you a real pick me up!! As for having questions or concerns, if I were in that unit I might have a couple of questions or concerns. Maybe it's just me though.

***UPDATE*** My dad actually found the sign to be quite funny, as did I. He made me take the picture and he is having me send it to Jay Leno.

Punctuation

2009-01-18T16:52:00.003-05:00

I got this from Georgie!!!!!

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic.

You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything.

You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests.

You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time.

Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to.

(But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.)

You excel in: Inspiring people

You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Happy and Sad Endings

2009-01-17T14:51:00.003-05:00

Happy Ending: My dad got his ICD defribrillator implanted yesterday, and did so well with recovery he came home today!!!!!!

He is catheter free, and now is home living a cardiac/heart failure/diabetic friendly life. Basically, he will never be able to eat anything fun ever again, but at least he is alive, and he is ok with that.

What is the sad ending??? Last night in the hospital, before they removed his catheter, I initiated a betting pool called "When will Dad pee pee by himself?" The catheter got pulled at 12 am... Here are the times we all chose:

Chris 6:30 am (his second choice after he picked 5am) This is important to note.
Jane (Chris' wife) 8 am

Me - 7am

Lisa (my sister) 8:45 am

My Mom: 10 am

Sean: 11:00 am

My dad: 4:47 am

The prize...a bottle of water to help a person pee. Not a high stakes bet here.

My dad peed at 5:27 am. Dammit. Chris wins, but if you note from the above, he only wins because he is a wienie who whined and cried to change his bet after he realized his bet was stupid.

Stupid, stupid Chris. I'm glad Dad is wee-weeing on his own, but I feel it is only fair that either Lisa or I win, simply because we are the favored children who spent the most time in the hospital. The girls are always better and more reliable than the boys.

Chris called me cackling that he wants Evian. This is so not fair. He is a peeing cheater. Maybe I'll pee in a bottle and tell him it is Country Time Lemonade.

Yes, I know I am a sick messed up person. No denying it. The dysfunction works for me, ok?

Thank you for all of your well wishes and support this week!!!! It really helped out! Feel free to weigh in on the peeing debacle.

Today is the day...

2009-01-16T04:40:00.003-05:00

Finally, my dad is medically stable enough to have his surgery to implant an internal defibrillator and pacemaker. I haven't slept much, hence the early post here. He is glad that things are wrapping up, and I hope it all goes well.

With any luck, he'll be out of the hospital in a few days...

P.S. The device they are implanting in my dad is called an ICD. I told him that if at any point they mention an IUD, and start working on the wrong end of him, that he should be concerned.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled bummer post...

2009-01-13T06:37:00.003-05:00

to bring yout the first installment of :

Fun with Deb at the store!!!

Whose menu wouldn't be complete without these?

Snappy Grillers!!! I'm sure they are heart healthy. Gross.

...and the fun goes on

2009-01-11T08:16:00.002-05:00

This post is so not typical of a Debland post, but in light of the week I've had, I feel that I should share with you what is going on in my world this week. As you know, my dad has been in the hospital this week. Since I last posted, he has gotten worse. At this point, he:

has had 2 heart attacks
is now in congestive heart failure
has an extremely weakened heart that can't be surgically repaired
is having ventricular tachycardia (dangerous heart rhythms that can cause heart attacks/sudden death)

My dad is no stranger to heart issues, he had a quadruple bypass 22 years ago. It is actually amazing that the bypass has lasted so long. At this point, he is scheduled to have an automatic defibrillator implanted on Wednesday, so long as they can get and can keep him medically stable until that point. After he gets his defibrillator, they will then have to manage the heart failure with medication. The goal is to try to restore him to a decent quality of life.

It has been a long week, to say the least. That being said, there have been a lot of sweet moments, laughter, and moments of hilarity. All 4 siblings were together for a couple of days, my two brothers, and my sister and I. We all engage in fun banter, teasing, and just have a good time together. I know that cheered my dad up. I think we made the nurses job a bit tough, but we've seen them guffawing too.

Thank you for all of your great comments...you kept me laughing while I sat in the hospital. By the way, I still am in the mood to laugh...so go for it. Last night, my brother was in our bathroom, doing, well, a number two. Sadly for him, he forgot to lock the door. My dad is now getting a card with a picture of my brother on the john. We headlined the card with "Sorry You are Feeling Stinky" with some photoshopped green smoke coming out of Chris' arse. Very funny stuff. I want to post it so badly, but I think it would be wrong.

Happy Friggin' 200th post.

2009-01-07T10:08:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone,

I was all set to make things fun and exciting for my 200th post, but alas, my dad is back at the hospital. He has pneumonia and a bladder/ blood infection. I spent yesterday there, and now will be going back to experience all things catheter related and such. Just what every girl wants to know about their dad. Really.

Do I sound pissy? I guess it is because I am a little. Of course I want my dad to get better, but days in the hospital stink. No two ways about it. Send me good thoughts, and funny comments, because I'll be needing them! The iphone is a saving grace - I can read your comments whenever and wherever...so keep 'em coming!

Wishing you a day of happiness, and the ability to pee all by yourselves without a catheter.

Eeeewww...

2009-01-05T09:37:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to be a good mom to my children's teeth. After our most recent dentist visit, I bought some "fun" new flossers for them. (As if you could really make flossing fun) These particular flossers are called firefly flossers. Fine. Ok. No big deal.

Guess who makes these flossers? A company called Dr. Fresh. I'm sorry, but that freaks me out. Then I started thinking, and really many pediatric dentist items are kind of creepy. Here are some terms I've heard in the dentist's office over the years...

Mr. Thirsty
Mr. Floss Man
Tooth tickler
Strong bubbles
Tooth chalk

Messed up, no?

This had better be a fluke.

2009-01-03T21:32:00.004-05:00

Scene: 2009, 15:00 hours.

Drinking, snacking, visiting with family. Get phone call. My dad took a tumble outside of his condo, sustained a head injury, and spent 2 days in the hospital.

What I've been doing since that phone call:

Hanging around a hospital.
Not sleeping.
Now hanging around at my parents since my dad's discharge from the hospital.
Trying to put Christmas away. Done. The seriously dead tree is now headed to its final resting place. I tried to put away my inlaws portrait with our other Christmas decorations, but to no avail. It is now lying face down on my buffet.
Helping my husband come up with a new and "improved" budget. Translation: Trying not to let my hair and Starbucks budget get slashed.

This is just a fluke, right? 2009 is supposed to be a good year, right? Right? Right????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I'm not missing. I'm just not around much.

2008-12-28T16:28:00.002-05:00

I hope it is appropriate blog etiquette to not post so much during the holidays, because I obviously am not posting a whole lot. Luckily, a couple of weeks off with family and friends provides lots of blog fodder. Here is a taste:

Christmas at Sean's family's house, we received some lovely gifts. Truly, we did. However, we also were treated to a not so lovely, LARGE, gilded frame picture of my inlaws. Of course, I was the first one to open it (there are 3 siblings). Opening such a gift after having a couple of drinks isn't the best idea. I tore off the wrap, only to be greeted with a shot of my mother-in-law struggling between a smile and a sneer, with one eyebrow cocked higher than the other. I managed to utter a "well, will you look at that?" before succumbing to a coughing/laughing/sputtering fit.
Going out with friends for margaritas...winding up having a margarita, a beer, and a shot in a very short period of time. Subsequently engaging in long discussion about how one activates the automatic paper towel dispenser in a public bathroom properly.
Taking a long nap after above night out
Learning to use my new IPHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!!

I just asked Sean if I can use the picture for a 200th blog post giveaway, but he is saying no. He must be more attached to it than I thought. Guess I still need to get a good idea going for that...this is post #197!!

Deb's Weird 4 am thoughts...

2008-12-23T04:25:00.002-05:00

1. I don't even have a small baby, yet I'm up in the middle of the night fretting. How unfair. If I'm going to be up like this, I may as well become a wet nurse and make some money for heaven's sake.

2. I'm really wondering how things are going to get done. I did give thought to converting to Judaism in order to escape Christmas duties, but unfortunately that would not help me as Hanukkah is in full swing right now. Must find religion that allows me to escape this insanity. Suggestions welcome.

3. You guys crack me up with your responses to my last post. Sounds like many of us would love to give one of those books to that "special someone". My personal favorite is "Paddington Gets Tanked". I'm pretty sure he got tanked because things weren't getting done for his holiday either, so he just gave up.

4. Am I the only one who plays the Christmas Card game of "chicken"? I can't begin to tell you how badly I'm going to lose this year. I sent out my usual cards, then sat back to wait and see who else sent cards, and then try to get them a card before Christmas. I'm screwed. I got a whole bunch yesterday. Aaargh. I will now send cards next April so I can win, because you know, Christmas is really all about winning. Good wishes and good cheer are for the losers that can't win.

5. Given my sporadic posting these past few days, in case I don't post again for a couple of days, I would just like to take the chance to wish you all a happy holiday! I'm so glad you come to visit Debland, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Speaking of which, I'm coming up on my 200th post soon!!!

I want to make that post extra fun...what shall I do, a giveaway? Tell 200 things about me? Get a guest poster? Ideas everyone!! Be creative.

Off to write my inevitably late 2nd round of Christmas cards...

OnMyList: Books You Probably Shouldn't Buy Your Kids This Christmas

2008-12-19T16:51:00.001-05:00

Check out this list at OnMyList, where you can list your pants off!

C is for cookie, Christmas, and my grade.

2008-12-19T07:09:00.002-05:00

Sigh.

I tried. Really, I did. That is what bums me out so much. Despite my best efforts, and a LOT of work, I was only able to pull off a C+ in my Statistics class. I was holding out hope for a B, but to no avail. I'm hoping my pity party will wear off sometime between now and the end of the day.

Stat wasn't a complete waste of my time. I actually did learn a lot, and despite my grade, I do feel that it was worth the effort. Plus, I made some new friends in the class who rock. Really nice people. The one guy, J, (I won't use full names without permission) has bestowed on me the best nickname ever.

DKMC.

Not to be confused with DKNY.

DK (my initials), plus MC (Montgomery County College)

Yep, that's right. I'm a bad ass. I will now refer to myself as DKMC.

Hey, it worked for Prince and Beyonce.

Before and after

2008-12-17T07:07:00.004-05:00

Me yesterday before my final, after being completely brain fried...

Me after my final...

Seriously folks, today I'm a walking zombie. Stay tuned as I try to wake up and find my wit. Thanks to Jen for the first video!

Judgement Day

2008-12-15T22:22:00.003-05:00

My final exam is tomorrow. What's done is done. I know what I know. Wish me luck. I will share that in true Deb style, I have made a couple of friends in class, and we have successfully convinced the professor that we will be taking him out for a beer this week. My idea. He really is a nice guy. I just hope he remembers the beer when he grades the exams. I told him to bring them with him and I would help him grade them. Sounds like a good idea to me.

What happens ( Cindy! )when you dare a crazy person to do something...

2008-12-12T15:50:00.005-05:00

...they make tampon angels and take them to a ladies brunch for a gag secret santa gift. Everyone, I'd like you to meet the 3 heavenly amigos...

I think the cheesy orange dollar store doll hair adds a lot, don't you?

Will you come visit me when they take me away?

2008-12-10T09:20:00.002-05:00

This time I've really done it. It may have been due to the case of PUPETSD I acquired yesterday. What is PUPETSD? You haven't heard of it? PUPETSD is Post Ugly Plant Exposure Traumatic Stress Disorder. You see, I was at my doctor's office waiting for an immunization shot, and I had to wait WAY TOO LONG. Not only did I have to wait too long, I had to stare at ugliness. Ugly silk plants and flowers to be exact. I think they disturbed me. Between this unnecessary exposure, plus the incessant drug ads, pictures of internal organs, plastic breast lumps, and all of the other goodies I saw there, it seems as if they got to my head.

Are you having trouble following me here? Ok, I'll just say it.

I am now a follower of my own blog.

For some unexplainable reason, I came home yesterday, and clicked on the button to "follow this blog." Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Whatever the reason, it can't be good. Following your own blog is like:

Stalking yourself
Being in a 12 step program, and being your own sponsor
Having yourself for an invisible friend
Being a babysitter for yourself
Being your own parent
Functioning as your own probation officer
A passive aggressive way of declaring that you have multiple personalities
Taking yourself to the prom

I just felt I had to share this with all of you, despite the potential disgust and fallout that it might generate. When you come to visit me at the funny farm, bring Starbucks, ice cream and candy, k?

By the way, here are a couple of pics of some of the plant offenders.

2008-12-07T07:44:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling the pinch a bit this year. You know, Christmas expenses? Every year, it seems like there are more and more people on the gift list. Before I know it, I'll have to give a gift to my mail carrier's mail carrier!

Am I the only one that feels this way? Doesn't it just add up beyond what you anticipate spending? This year, I'm taking a new approach. I'm not super crafty, but I'll try.

These jaunty crafty gift ideas brought to you courtesy of www.tamponcrafts.com

I need your condolences during this difficult time.

2008-12-05T06:15:00.001-05:00

It happened. I had been anticipating it for a while now, but hoping with all my might that it could just hang on. After all, it had defied the odds, lasting far beyond my own estimates. I guess I thought it would be with me, until at least I was finished with my class. But it didn't.

My turquoise disposable mechanical pencil died today.

Everything was going fine, or so I thought. We were working together, as a team, plugging through our Stat class today. We were on fire, flying through (and erasing) our Stat questions. A piece broke off of its tip. I wiped sweat from my brow, took a sip of my iced tea, and that's when...that's when...

it happened.

In my typical familiar motion, I reached up with my right thumb to lovingly click the eraser to bring more pencil lead out. In the stillness of the room, everyone could hear the tap as the 1/2 inch of remaining lead fell out of the pencil and onto the desk.

I was numb. Shock took over. I reached into my bag for my orange mechanical pencil, and finished my work with that, but it wasn't the same. It felt different in my hands. It has no eraser. It just isn't as special. I had to finish the class with my dead pencil next to my notebook, looking just as sad as sad can be.

Please bear with me as I mourn my loss. Today, I don't know how I will get on without my pencil, but maybe the light of tomorrow will bring new hope. In the meantime, in lieu of flowers, I am requesting that folks simply send Starbucks gift cards in memory of my turquoise pencil.

Thank you so much. You are all such good friends.

You know you are old when

2008-12-04T07:00:00.002-05:00

You are watching a Styx concert on PBS, and the lead singer of Styx (Dennis DeYoung) not only is hobbling around the stage, but is dressed like a priest, has snow white hair, and needs a 60 piece orchestra to distract viewers from his weak, old voice.

To add insult to injury, after his "concert" PBS hits us up for a donation. Would you pay for that? They should pay me.

He is now singing "Mr. Roboto", and doing the movements for it. He must be robotic. He is moving around like he has had major joint replacement.

Thus ends my report of Deb's exciting Wednesday night in Debland. Do I think I'm being mean? Possibly.

***P.S.*** For any of my readers that think I'm saying that they're old, I'm not. First of all, I am well aware of my old-ness, and secondly, I haven't seen any of you dancing robotically on a stage. If I did, well, then, I might accuse you of old-ness.

Stumped for holiday gifts?

2008-12-03T06:57:00.003-05:00

Umm, wow. Well, hmm...I'm just hoping when I told Sean to get creative this year for Christmas, it doesn't come to this.

Many thanks to Kylee once again for providing me with Deb-style entertainment. Your parents would be so proud! Let's forward it to them.

Makeup test

2008-12-01T19:06:00.003-05:00

After a whirlwind weekend of Thanksgiving and studying for my postponed test due to cat malfunction, I found myself this morning at college, in a strange building to take my makeup test. The funny part was that I had to take it outside of my professor's classroom, in the hallway. I felt like one of the bad kids sitting in the hall.

Benefits of taking a test in the hall?

It was right by the men's room.

Lots of guys seemed to have to go potty today.

My professor had to go potty too.

I now know what my professor sounds like when he pees.

If I get a bad grade, I can blackmail him and tell him that I will share with the class that he urinates. Bet no one knew that about him.

I changed my ringtone this morning. My phone now plays "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer". Someone tried to call me this morning during my test. My test that I took in the hall. The test I took while men peed. The phone was in the BOTTOM of my messenger bag, and had managed to ring obnoxiously a few times before I could dig it out. At least it was purposeful...the whole class started guffawing while I tried to stop it.

Glad I'm good for something. How was your weekend?

A true e-mail I sent this week...

2008-11-26T10:13:00.004-05:00

Hi Professor W.,

I left you a voicemail this morning. i was bitten very badly by our cat Friday night on my R wrist. By Saturday eve, I had to go to the hosptal b/c my arm, wrist and hand had become swollen and infected. I got IV antibiotics, and cannot use my right hand at all for a week. I have practically no function in the hand at all. It is in a sling. I am typing w my left hand. What can we work out for the test tomorrow? I won't be able to write until Saturday, November 29th.

Sincerely,

Deb K.

Turns out introducing the cats has been quite the challenge. Last Friday they were in the same room, looking at one another, debating what they wanted to do. I decided I should compliment and pet Madeline, our "resident cat", so that she felt loved, important, you know, her self esteem wouldn't suffer. I mean, a cat's self esteem is important, right? Right? Hmm...

Bad idea. Madeline mistook my hand reaching down as an act of aggression, and proceeded to bite down on my wrist, puncturing it. Here's the aftermath...

This is a cell phone picture, but you can see the punctures on my wrist, accompanied by spreading dark redness, swelling, a hand that wouldn't bend for days. Oh, there are also pen marks on my arm. That was on purpose so the hospital could see if it was getting worse. Last night, one of the punctures resembed a zit. I squeezed it, and it behaved just like a zit. Gross.

Quite painful. Quite stupid on my part. The only good thing is I didn't have to take my exam this week. I have to take it Monday morning.

We (my friend Jen and I) had fun in the ER. The staff wasn't busy and we got to hear great stories of escapades that have landed people in the ER. It appears that people like to stick things up their butts. Things like:

A can of Aqua Net hairspray
An eyeglasses case
A vibrator that was still running, yet stuck. They had to let the batteries run out before the person went to surgery.

Finally, lots of people have gone to the ER with cat bites. Apparently I'm in good company. I'm just glad I didn't go in with a cat shoved in my butt. I can't imagine under what circumstances something like that would happen. Then again, I doubt some of those other folks intended to get things in their butts either.

On that super appetizing note, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Gettin' freaky at Sam's Club

2008-11-23T09:02:00.003-05:00

While shopping at Sam's Club the other day, I discovered that grocery shopping doesn't have to be so mundane. Enter exhibit A -

One of these things is not like the other...

2008-11-21T09:09:00.001-05:00

Day: Wednesday afternoon

Weather: Sunny, crisp, fall day

My mood: somber

Place: The Learning Lab at my college (aka tutoring)

Cast of Characters:

Me
A student from my class who is a math major
A student from my class who is an engineering major
My professor, who has 4 different master's degrees in math

Someone doesn't fit in here...hmm...wonder who?

Do I need to play the Jeopardy music, or have you figured it out already?

43 - No, that's not my age.

2008-11-20T09:00:00.003-05:00

Thank you Megan! http://meganhallpass.blogspot.com/

How many of these things have you done?

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a Meteor Shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a Mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a Lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memoria

l71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

I have only done 43, and for the record, I have skinny dipped. Just sayin.