It's not me, it's her.

Hi folks! While I am in exile with my inlaw side of the family, I decided to treat you all to a fabulous guest blog post, by none other than the lovely and talented Jessica Bern. Jessica is from the LA, CA area, and is a hysterical , talented actress and comedian. Please go visit her blog and web series at http://www.bernthis.com/ . And now, I present to you, Jessica Bern...



HAIR TODAY, WAXED TOMORROW

Not long ago, the crew from the local firehouse came to my daughter's school to teach them about fire safety. They arrived first thing in the morning and brought along with them their Dalmation "fire dog" Wilson and from the moment he (the dog) walked in, Phoebe went completely deaf. After going over what to do in case of an emergency, all the kids lined up to pet the dog. After Phoebe was finished I pulled her aside and asked her:

JESSICA: What number do you call if there is a fire?

PHOEBE: Wilson is a Dalmation and I have a Dalmation doggy too, at my mommy's house. (a stuffed one)
JESSICA: Do you remember what you're supposed to do if your clothes catch on fire?
PHOEBE: Wilson licked my hand after I pet him.
JESSICA: 9-1-1. That's the number you need to call if there is a fire or if somebody gets hurt. It's very important you remember that.
PHOEBE: Is daddy picking me up today?Now, we all know that I am a single mother. If something happens to me while Phoebe and I are at home, clearly, I'm a goner. I can see it now. I'm lying, unconscious in a pool of my own blood, Phoebe walks in, sees the blood and yells, "Mommy, you got paint on the floor". Then, after making a slight attempt to wake me, Phoebe walks back into her room, grabs her Dora coloring book and a paintbrush, comes back, sits down next to my now rotting corpse, dips the brush into my blood and proceeds to color.

Of course, with this scenario in mind, I can't help but feel yet even more pressure to find a partner, if for no other reason than just to give me a chance to survive at least until the ambulance arrives, which brings us back once again to the firemen. I would be remiss not to mention that on the whole, I happen to think that firemen are very, well, okay, "hot". Not all, just most and today was no exception. Having forgotten they were coming to the school, I showed up wearing an outfit that basically screamed, "I won't screw you but if you let me, I'll do your laundry." I wasn't thrilled at my lack of "preparation" but I still did my best to look pretty and available for dinner.

After the "show" was over, I went to have my eyebrows waxed. While I was there the woman asked me if I would also like her to remove my mustache. I laughed, because of course, I'm a woman and women don't have mustache's...right? And then I looked in a mirror. As the waxer pointed out how close I was to looking like Colonel Sanders, all I could think was either I'm not really a woman or my testosterone levels have gone through the roof and Phoebe now has TWO daddies. As I laid on the waxing table, I called my friend to ask her advice.

FRIEND: Of course you should do it. What are you waiting for?
JESSICA: I've never done it before.
FRIEND: Really? I thought you let it grow because you didn't have enough money to wax it. JESSICA: All this time and you've never told me you thought I had a mustache?
FRIEND: I just figured you knew. I mean, I'm sorry to be blunt but, hello?

I couldn't believe it. I've been walking around, for who knows how long, looking like Tom Selleck and no one thought it pertinent to tell me? Okay, perhaps, I may have noticed a little bit of a darkish shadow up there but not a BEARD!Of course, I went for the lip wax and the entire time I'm lying there, all I could think of was how many places I'd been, men I'd seen and auditions I'd been on where they were looking for someone to play the role of a WOMAN but instead got me.

Oh God. Is it any wonder I'm still single? Really?

What I'll be wearing this weekend

Going away this weekend with my inlaws for the WHOLE WEEKEND. It is their 50th anniversary, which is nice, but I'm not sure it is worth my sanity. Haven't packed my clothes yet, but the Xanax is safely tucked away in my suitcase.

Ass' well that ends well

My dad was discharged today. So was his ass.

His ass is not grass...for now.

So, my dad went back into the hospital yesterday morning. He woke up, and was confused and unable to answer questions from my mom. Having had a history of strokes (and most other maladies), my mom took him to the ER. After running some tests, they admitted him to the stroke unit, and are further testing him to see what exactly happened to him.



Not funny stuff.



However, when I was at the hospital this morning, he got his daily "care plan" from his nurse. See exhibit A:

as you can see, the diagnosis above is "Mental status changes, not ass." I am SO relieved his ass is ok. I was worried for a while that he would have to have a proctologist consult. I mean, his ass looked ok to me and my mom, but you can never be too careful in such circumstances. Besides, given the fact that it is my dad's ass, I wasn't really checking it out too carefully.

So, I told my dad that if perhaps he would get his head out of his ass already, he would probably not be quite so confused. My mom was not amused. Dad, however, thought it to be quite funny. His cardiologist was in today, and I wanted to confer with him as to my dad's ass status, but my mother wouldn't allow me. What a buzzkill. Especially after I have watched countless hours of Fox News with dad yesterday and today. THAT is a dedicated daughter.

Hope you are all well, especially your asses.

I am hole-ly

Folding my laundry the other day. Looks like my socks aren't doing so well.

We're all winners.

Surely you all remember my post from the other day about losing the pee-pee contest...

http://debland.blogspot.com/2009/01/happy-and-sad-endings.html

...so of course you know my brother Chris was the big winner. Big, big winner. Yup. Big winner. Some of you may have read his comment about this purported victory.

I've decided that yes, Chris is the winner. But I want all of you to share in his delightfulness and bask in his good fortune. Fellow Debland blog readers, please join me in congratulating:

Chris!!!!!

Bringing sexy back.

This was actually a sign on my dad's hospital wall...

Nothing like a cheery near death sign to give you a real pick me up!! As for having questions or concerns, if I were in that unit I might have a couple of questions or concerns. Maybe it's just me though.

***UPDATE*** My dad actually found the sign to be quite funny, as did I. He made me take the picture and he is having me send it to Jay Leno.