It's not me, it's her.

Hi folks! While I am in exile with my inlaw side of the family, I decided to treat you all to a fabulous guest blog post, by none other than the lovely and talented Jessica Bern. Jessica is from the LA, CA area, and is a hysterical , talented actress and comedian. Please go visit her blog and web series at http://www.bernthis.com/ . And now, I present to you, Jessica Bern...



HAIR TODAY, WAXED TOMORROW

Not long ago, the crew from the local firehouse came to my daughter's school to teach them about fire safety. They arrived first thing in the morning and brought along with them their Dalmation "fire dog" Wilson and from the moment he (the dog) walked in, Phoebe went completely deaf. After going over what to do in case of an emergency, all the kids lined up to pet the dog. After Phoebe was finished I pulled her aside and asked her:

JESSICA: What number do you call if there is a fire?

PHOEBE: Wilson is a Dalmation and I have a Dalmation doggy too, at my mommy's house. (a stuffed one)
JESSICA: Do you remember what you're supposed to do if your clothes catch on fire?
PHOEBE: Wilson licked my hand after I pet him.
JESSICA: 9-1-1. That's the number you need to call if there is a fire or if somebody gets hurt. It's very important you remember that.
PHOEBE: Is daddy picking me up today?Now, we all know that I am a single mother. If something happens to me while Phoebe and I are at home, clearly, I'm a goner. I can see it now. I'm lying, unconscious in a pool of my own blood, Phoebe walks in, sees the blood and yells, "Mommy, you got paint on the floor". Then, after making a slight attempt to wake me, Phoebe walks back into her room, grabs her Dora coloring book and a paintbrush, comes back, sits down next to my now rotting corpse, dips the brush into my blood and proceeds to color.

Of course, with this scenario in mind, I can't help but feel yet even more pressure to find a partner, if for no other reason than just to give me a chance to survive at least until the ambulance arrives, which brings us back once again to the firemen. I would be remiss not to mention that on the whole, I happen to think that firemen are very, well, okay, "hot". Not all, just most and today was no exception. Having forgotten they were coming to the school, I showed up wearing an outfit that basically screamed, "I won't screw you but if you let me, I'll do your laundry." I wasn't thrilled at my lack of "preparation" but I still did my best to look pretty and available for dinner.

After the "show" was over, I went to have my eyebrows waxed. While I was there the woman asked me if I would also like her to remove my mustache. I laughed, because of course, I'm a woman and women don't have mustache's...right? And then I looked in a mirror. As the waxer pointed out how close I was to looking like Colonel Sanders, all I could think was either I'm not really a woman or my testosterone levels have gone through the roof and Phoebe now has TWO daddies. As I laid on the waxing table, I called my friend to ask her advice.

FRIEND: Of course you should do it. What are you waiting for?
JESSICA: I've never done it before.
FRIEND: Really? I thought you let it grow because you didn't have enough money to wax it. JESSICA: All this time and you've never told me you thought I had a mustache?
FRIEND: I just figured you knew. I mean, I'm sorry to be blunt but, hello?

I couldn't believe it. I've been walking around, for who knows how long, looking like Tom Selleck and no one thought it pertinent to tell me? Okay, perhaps, I may have noticed a little bit of a darkish shadow up there but not a BEARD!Of course, I went for the lip wax and the entire time I'm lying there, all I could think of was how many places I'd been, men I'd seen and auditions I'd been on where they were looking for someone to play the role of a WOMAN but instead got me.

Oh God. Is it any wonder I'm still single? Really?

What I'll be wearing this weekend

Going away this weekend with my inlaws for the WHOLE WEEKEND. It is their 50th anniversary, which is nice, but I'm not sure it is worth my sanity. Haven't packed my clothes yet, but the Xanax is safely tucked away in my suitcase.

Ass' well that ends well

My dad was discharged today. So was his ass.

His ass is not grass...for now.

So, my dad went back into the hospital yesterday morning. He woke up, and was confused and unable to answer questions from my mom. Having had a history of strokes (and most other maladies), my mom took him to the ER. After running some tests, they admitted him to the stroke unit, and are further testing him to see what exactly happened to him.



Not funny stuff.



However, when I was at the hospital this morning, he got his daily "care plan" from his nurse. See exhibit A:

as you can see, the diagnosis above is "Mental status changes, not ass." I am SO relieved his ass is ok. I was worried for a while that he would have to have a proctologist consult. I mean, his ass looked ok to me and my mom, but you can never be too careful in such circumstances. Besides, given the fact that it is my dad's ass, I wasn't really checking it out too carefully.

So, I told my dad that if perhaps he would get his head out of his ass already, he would probably not be quite so confused. My mom was not amused. Dad, however, thought it to be quite funny. His cardiologist was in today, and I wanted to confer with him as to my dad's ass status, but my mother wouldn't allow me. What a buzzkill. Especially after I have watched countless hours of Fox News with dad yesterday and today. THAT is a dedicated daughter.

Hope you are all well, especially your asses.

I am hole-ly

Folding my laundry the other day. Looks like my socks aren't doing so well.

We're all winners.

Surely you all remember my post from the other day about losing the pee-pee contest...

http://debland.blogspot.com/2009/01/happy-and-sad-endings.html

...so of course you know my brother Chris was the big winner. Big, big winner. Yup. Big winner. Some of you may have read his comment about this purported victory.

I've decided that yes, Chris is the winner. But I want all of you to share in his delightfulness and bask in his good fortune. Fellow Debland blog readers, please join me in congratulating:

Chris!!!!!

Bringing sexy back.

This was actually a sign on my dad's hospital wall...

Nothing like a cheery near death sign to give you a real pick me up!! As for having questions or concerns, if I were in that unit I might have a couple of questions or concerns. Maybe it's just me though.

***UPDATE*** My dad actually found the sign to be quite funny, as did I. He made me take the picture and he is having me send it to Jay Leno.

Punctuation

I got this from Georgie!!!!!

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic. You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything. You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests. You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time. Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to. (But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.) You excel in: Inspiring people You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Happy and Sad Endings

Happy Ending: My dad got his ICD defribrillator implanted yesterday, and did so well with recovery he came home today!!!!!!

He is catheter free, and now is home living a cardiac/heart failure/diabetic friendly life. Basically, he will never be able to eat anything fun ever again, but at least he is alive, and he is ok with that.

What is the sad ending??? Last night in the hospital, before they removed his catheter, I initiated a betting pool called "When will Dad pee pee by himself?" The catheter got pulled at 12 am... Here are the times we all chose:

Chris 6:30 am (his second choice after he picked 5am) This is important to note.
Jane (Chris' wife) 8 am

Me - 7am

Lisa (my sister) 8:45 am

My Mom: 10 am

Sean: 11:00 am

My dad: 4:47 am

The prize...a bottle of water to help a person pee. Not a high stakes bet here.

My dad peed at 5:27 am. Dammit. Chris wins, but if you note from the above, he only wins because he is a wienie who whined and cried to change his bet after he realized his bet was stupid.

Stupid, stupid Chris. I'm glad Dad is wee-weeing on his own, but I feel it is only fair that either Lisa or I win, simply because we are the favored children who spent the most time in the hospital. The girls are always better and more reliable than the boys.

Chris called me cackling that he wants Evian. This is so not fair. He is a peeing cheater. Maybe I'll pee in a bottle and tell him it is Country Time Lemonade.

Yes, I know I am a sick messed up person. No denying it. The dysfunction works for me, ok?

Thank you for all of your well wishes and support this week!!!! It really helped out! Feel free to weigh in on the peeing debacle.

Today is the day...

Finally, my dad is medically stable enough to have his surgery to implant an internal defibrillator and pacemaker. I haven't slept much, hence the early post here. He is glad that things are wrapping up, and I hope it all goes well.

With any luck, he'll be out of the hospital in a few days...

P.S. The device they are implanting in my dad is called an ICD. I told him that if at any point they mention an IUD, and start working on the wrong end of him, that he should be concerned.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled bummer post...

to bring yout the first installment of :





Fun with Deb at the store!!!





Whose menu wouldn't be complete without these?

Snappy Grillers!!! I'm sure they are heart healthy. Gross.

...and the fun goes on

This post is so not typical of a Debland post, but in light of the week I've had, I feel that I should share with you what is going on in my world this week. As you know, my dad has been in the hospital this week. Since I last posted, he has gotten worse. At this point, he:

• has had 2 heart attacks
• is now in congestive heart failure
• has an extremely weakened heart that can't be surgically repaired
• is having ventricular tachycardia (dangerous heart rhythms that can cause heart attacks/sudden death)

My dad is no stranger to heart issues, he had a quadruple bypass 22 years ago. It is actually amazing that the bypass has lasted so long. At this point, he is scheduled to have an automatic defibrillator implanted on Wednesday, so long as they can get and can keep him medically stable until that point. After he gets his defibrillator, they will then have to manage the heart failure with medication. The goal is to try to restore him to a decent quality of life.

It has been a long week, to say the least. That being said, there have been a lot of sweet moments, laughter, and moments of hilarity. All 4 siblings were together for a couple of days, my two brothers, and my sister and I. We all engage in fun banter, teasing, and just have a good time together. I know that cheered my dad up. I think we made the nurses job a bit tough, but we've seen them guffawing too.

Thank you for all of your great comments...you kept me laughing while I sat in the hospital. By the way, I still am in the mood to laugh...so go for it. Last night, my brother was in our bathroom, doing, well, a number two. Sadly for him, he forgot to lock the door. My dad is now getting a card with a picture of my brother on the john. We headlined the card with "Sorry You are Feeling Stinky" with some photoshopped green smoke coming out of Chris' arse. Very funny stuff. I want to post it so badly, but I think it would be wrong.

Happy Friggin' 200th post.

Hello everyone,

I was all set to make things fun and exciting for my 200th post, but alas, my dad is back at the hospital. He has pneumonia and a bladder/ blood infection. I spent yesterday there, and now will be going back to experience all things catheter related and such. Just what every girl wants to know about their dad. Really.

Do I sound pissy? I guess it is because I am a little. Of course I want my dad to get better, but days in the hospital stink. No two ways about it. Send me good thoughts, and funny comments, because I'll be needing them! The iphone is a saving grace - I can read your comments whenever and wherever...so keep 'em coming!

Wishing you a day of happiness, and the ability to pee all by yourselves without a catheter.

Eeeewww...

I'm trying to be a good mom to my children's teeth. After our most recent dentist visit, I bought some "fun" new flossers for them. (As if you could really make flossing fun) These particular flossers are called firefly flossers. Fine. Ok. No big deal.

Guess who makes these flossers? A company called Dr. Fresh. I'm sorry, but that freaks me out. Then I started thinking, and really many pediatric dentist items are kind of creepy. Here are some terms I've heard in the dentist's office over the years...

• Mr. Thirsty
• Mr. Floss Man
• Tooth tickler
• Strong bubbles
• Tooth chalk

Messed up, no?

This had better be a fluke.

Scene: 2009, 15:00 hours.

Drinking, snacking, visiting with family. Get phone call. My dad took a tumble outside of his condo, sustained a head injury, and spent 2 days in the hospital.

What I've been doing since that phone call:

Hanging around a hospital.
Not sleeping.
Now hanging around at my parents since my dad's discharge from the hospital.
Trying to put Christmas away. Done. The seriously dead tree is now headed to its final resting place. I tried to put away my inlaws portrait with our other Christmas decorations, but to no avail. It is now lying face down on my buffet.
Helping my husband come up with a new and "improved" budget. Translation: Trying not to let my hair and Starbucks budget get slashed.

This is just a fluke, right? 2009 is supposed to be a good year, right? Right? Right????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????