Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's not me, it's her.

Hi folks! While I am in exile with my inlaw side of the family, I decided to treat you all to a fabulous guest blog post, by none other than the lovely and talented Jessica Bern. Jessica is from the LA, CA area, and is a hysterical , talented actress and comedian. Please go visit her blog and web series at http://www.bernthis.com/ . And now, I present to you, Jessica Bern...



HAIR TODAY, WAXED TOMORROW

Not long ago, the crew from the local firehouse came to my daughter's school to teach them about fire safety. They arrived first thing in the morning and brought along with them their Dalmation "fire dog" Wilson and from the moment he (the dog) walked in, Phoebe went completely deaf. After going over what to do in case of an emergency, all the kids lined up to pet the dog. After Phoebe was finished I pulled her aside and asked her:

JESSICA: What number do you call if there is a fire?

PHOEBE: Wilson is a Dalmation and I have a Dalmation doggy too, at my mommy's house. (a stuffed one)
JESSICA: Do you remember what you're supposed to do if your clothes catch on fire?
PHOEBE: Wilson licked my hand after I pet him.
JESSICA: 9-1-1. That's the number you need to call if there is a fire or if somebody gets hurt. It's very important you remember that.
PHOEBE: Is daddy picking me up today?Now, we all know that I am a single mother. If something happens to me while Phoebe and I are at home, clearly, I'm a goner. I can see it now. I'm lying, unconscious in a pool of my own blood, Phoebe walks in, sees the blood and yells, "Mommy, you got paint on the floor". Then, after making a slight attempt to wake me, Phoebe walks back into her room, grabs her Dora coloring book and a paintbrush, comes back, sits down next to my now rotting corpse, dips the brush into my blood and proceeds to color.

Of course, with this scenario in mind, I can't help but feel yet even more pressure to find a partner, if for no other reason than just to give me a chance to survive at least until the ambulance arrives, which brings us back once again to the firemen. I would be remiss not to mention that on the whole, I happen to think that firemen are very, well, okay, "hot". Not all, just most and today was no exception. Having forgotten they were coming to the school, I showed up wearing an outfit that basically screamed, "I won't screw you but if you let me, I'll do your laundry." I wasn't thrilled at my lack of "preparation" but I still did my best to look pretty and available for dinner.

After the "show" was over, I went to have my eyebrows waxed. While I was there the woman asked me if I would also like her to remove my mustache. I laughed, because of course, I'm a woman and women don't have mustache's...right? And then I looked in a mirror. As the waxer pointed out how close I was to looking like Colonel Sanders, all I could think was either I'm not really a woman or my testosterone levels have gone through the roof and Phoebe now has TWO daddies. As I laid on the waxing table, I called my friend to ask her advice.

FRIEND: Of course you should do it. What are you waiting for?
JESSICA: I've never done it before.
FRIEND: Really? I thought you let it grow because you didn't have enough money to wax it. JESSICA: All this time and you've never told me you thought I had a mustache?
FRIEND: I just figured you knew. I mean, I'm sorry to be blunt but, hello?

I couldn't believe it. I've been walking around, for who knows how long, looking like Tom Selleck and no one thought it pertinent to tell me? Okay, perhaps, I may have noticed a little bit of a darkish shadow up there but not a BEARD!Of course, I went for the lip wax and the entire time I'm lying there, all I could think of was how many places I'd been, men I'd seen and auditions I'd been on where they were looking for someone to play the role of a WOMAN but instead got me.

Oh God. Is it any wonder I'm still single? Really?

23 comments:

Marinka said...

What a treat to find a Jessica Bern post! Love this. Love Phoebe being Dalmation-obsessed.

and hey, some guys are really into that!

Megryansmom said...

Oh my hell, I am off to take a better look at my upper lip! Thanks for the heads up!

Csquaredplus3 said...

Funny! My oldest son called 9-1-1 when he was nearly two years old. The police came to our house. I had no idea he'd even done it!

I hope you have that facial hair under control now, Missy. We need to get you a man!

mo.stoneskin said...

Hey, a tash ain't all bad. Think of the extra warmth in winter.

Mom24 said...

So been there...not fun. :) Who in their right mind thinks God could be a woman?

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Kids...
I always say that my kids would see me twisted like a pretzel at the bottom of the stairs and not call 911 thinking it's humanly possible for me to have both my feet facing backwards towards my ass with one arm twitching.

rachael said...

LMAO, Im sure it wasn't a beard, LOL too funny, you always make me laugh. I would have been distracted by the dalmation too!

kwr221 said...

Oh, but the Internets love you! We really do!

FWIW, I'd be in the same boat, except I have a husband and my kids are 10 and 13.
They *still would totally be all about the dogs,
or painting,
or "where's the remote?"
or "Moooo-ooooom!....Mooooo-ooooooo----ooooommm!!!!!,
Where *ARE you!?"

the mama bird diaries said...

Hilarious post.

All firemen are hot. We had a slew of them at our apartment building, b/c construction debris kept flying off the building next to ours. Honestly, I'd be willing to risk a major head injury, just to see those firefighters everytime I left my apartment.

WA said...

A lot of firemen have mustaches, so you were in good company, right?

Jannie Funster said...

She's so funny!

I can totally relate to the part about lying dead or allmost dead on the floor and The Child has no one to turn to. And I'm married! But it could be hours before hubby gets home.

Cool guest post.

K said...

This is a great post.

I love fireman.

So hot...very hot.

Tooj said...

Nice, now you have all of us looking in the mirror for deep beard and mustache examinations!

Beth said...

Does it matter if the mustache is blonde? Yes? Well, hell.

Belle said...

Jessica I am sick of you whining to us about your single-girl status. I n the spirit of friendship, I have decided to lend my husband to you for as long as you need him. Take your time...

The Dental Maven said...

Got Milk?

For Myself said...

Shit. I've been in denial. I liked it there (in denial) and now you've forced me out. Thankyouverylittle. Say buh bye to the Selleck 'stache.

Next you'll probably tell me my butt looks big or something? Bitch.

Dana said...

Now I have to go look in a mirror very carefully. Thanks.

Kia (Good Enough Mama) said...

First off, I challenge Marinka to find a guy who's into that. Game on!

Secondly, your convo with Phoebe sounds like one I'd have at home with Little Man. Only with a penis. Meaning, he has one and I'm assuming Phoebe doesn't. And, if it weren't for the fact that you now wax your stache, I guess I'd wonder if you had one, too. A penis, that is. ;)

Heather said...

I hate those hairs that appear out of nowhere. It truly is another curse.

I think I would have been obsessed with the dalmation and its handler!

Felisa said...

Phoebe's such a cutie! I'm kind of the same way when it comes to cutesy things. The world could be ending and I would still be ooh and aahing :P

Devoted Mom To B... said...

ummmm, jessica, STAY AWAY FROM FIREMEN. take it from your single friend. i was married to one. don't want to get myself in trouble here, but it'd be a terrible waste of your brains and wit if you ended up with one.
and now you have to wax forever. because you've started and now it gets worse and worse. i'm full of good news today, aren't i????

Briana said...

I called 911 when my 9 year old son was having a severe asthma attack. I was absolutely terrified, yet still able to appreciate the hotness of the 5 firemen in my house!