Thursday, February 19, 2009

One from the east coast.

Kids, today is another lucky day here in Debland. First, I had the privilege of Jessica Bern(www.bernthis.com) being a guest poster all the way from California.

Today, we will hear from a way cool east coast chick. Everyone, please welcome Marinka, from NYC (http://nycmomandmore.blogspot.com/) She is friends with Jessica. Like Jessica, she is filled with truckloads of humorous observations, and you get to read them. I'll never think about pepper mills again without remembering Marinka.

Note to my other bloggy buddies: One of these days, you will be asked to guest post for me. Beware!!

And now, heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss Marinka!!


Pepper Mill


I used to date a man who was way too good looking for me. Like people would see us together and I could read their minds. "She must be loaded," some would think. "She's got to be a cousin or something," others would be convinced. "You can't tell from the looks of her," yet another contingent would muse, "but I bet that she has a trick pelvis or something."

The price that I paid for being in an unnatural relationship is that this Adonis mortified me in restaurants. Our food would arrive, and the waiter would drag the table leg of a pepper mill over , asking "some pepper?" Now, I have no idea why they don't just put a pepper shaker on the table and spare everyone this song and dance and if I ever meet the person who started this trend, we will have words, believe you me, but I'm one of those people who accepts things as they are and doesn't push for change. You won't find me on the front lines of any revolution, unless the front lines are being served chocolate mousse, in which case, just try and keep me away from whatever the hell cause it is that we're fighting for.

But anyway, back to Adonis. Somewhere he read (while moving his lips, no doubt) that people who salt their food automatically before tasting it are not too bright so he decided to expand it to pepper, to demonstrate hyper intelligence. So the waiter would come along and ask "some pepper?" and Adonjs would say, "I don't know yet. I have to taste it first." And then the waiter and I would be in a state of suspended animation while he tasted the food. As with all things dating, at first I found this charming, then old, then irritating and finally it took all my earthly restraint not to choke him at the table while beating him over the head with the pepper mill. I'm pretty confident that the waiter was at the last phase immediately.

"Could you maybe just pass on the pepper or something?" I asked him. "Making the waiter stand there while you chew is super annoying."
"If I don't taste the food, how am I supposed to know if it needs pepper or not?" he asked me. It was a logical argument that I couldn't win, especially when he analogized to the sommelier bringing a bottle of wine and waiting while the drunk examines its legs in a glass, takes a sip and says something like "this will be fine, thank you." (Side note: I find that annoying also. Another side note: I'm pretty sure that instead of calling him the sommelier, he called him the wine guy.)

Finally we broke up. No, it wasn't because of the pepper, but I'm telling you that it didn't help. Neither did the fact that I earned more money than he did. I may be homely, but I'm not stupid.

29 comments:

anymommy said...

I hate that whole wine ceremony too. Unless it's poisoned and someone else is tasting and then I'm all for it.

I might have bashed him over the head with a huge pepper mill.

bernthis said...

is it any wonder why these men end up along? Oh, wait, I'm alone too, Oh boy.

rachael said...

LOL, nice post Marinka, I love how his pepper habit became less and less cute to the point to wanted to clobber him with the pepper mill! LOL

Nice to come meet a new blogger too! I followed you here to Debland! xox

Hellooooo!

mo.stoneskin said...

I haven't heard anyone expand on the pepper problem before but that was great. I can answer one question for you.

Health and safety. If the pepper mill was on the table it would be used as a weapon, as you have finely illustrated.

I always feel obliged to put pepper on even though I haven't tasted the food. Coercion.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I think the wine tasting thing is something reserved for pretentious American restaurants (and perhaps restaurants in France). They never do it here - even in the very nicest restaurants.

I want to bash the sommelier over the head with a pepper mill when they make me taste the wine.

Vodka Mom said...

shit- i may be homely but I'm not stupid???

If YOU are homely, then I MUST look like Homely's twin sister......stomely.

Jan said...

I like your humor. And I'm sure you aren't homely. I agree Adonis wasn't that great. You aren't missing anything.

Jeanne said...

Nice work, Marinka! Having stalked you here, I took some time to read Deb's posts, and she's well worth the visit. Thanks!

Christy said...

Oh I hate that whole pepper thing too. I always just say yes, a little please. But what's even worse is when you have pasta and then they bring you over the Parmesan cheese. I love to heap that on my plate so it definitely can get embarrassing...yes, more please, more, yep, more cheese. I've actually asked them to leave it on the table at a certain restaurant and they always roll their eyes as they begrudgingly allow me to keep their freaking bowl of cheese.

Marinka said...

Thanks for letting me guest blog here, Deb! Because, you know, on my blog, I like to pretend that I met Husbandrinka at age 4 and instantly fell in love! Of course when I was 4 he was 12, so that's a little icky. Great, now I'm commenting about pedaphilia. And I can't even spell it.

Cindy said...

I must not visit the finer restaurants. I've only witnessed pepper mills on cruises.

WA said...

Very funny. Switch pepper to BBQ sauce & you know what it's like to date in Texas.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Marinka, you are a nut! Ha! And for all you know, knocking him on the head may have changed him ... or started some really kinky S&M type sex.

bejewell said...

We have some neighbors with that whole "he's way better looking than her" dynamic. But the difference is, she's also stupid, kind of mean, and definitely worthless. We call her "The Magic Pussy." Because it's the only explanation we can come up with.

I'm not really sure why I felt compelled to share that since I'm sure you were probably just as good-looking as he was.

Comedy Goddess said...

So you told him you only went out with him to find out if you might like him because how could you know for sure until you tried?

MommyTime said...

AS IF anyone really sends the wine back. "PAUGH! This is quite terrible! How dare you offend my taste buds in such a manner?!" I think not.

As for the pepper. Obviously, Caesar salad needs it. So do steak and pasta. End of story, silly pretentious Adonis.

Scary Mommy said...

The man had a point, I must say. And I'm sure you are gorgeous, but more importantly, you are hilarious. Always!

Did you ever see the Sex in the City where Miranda dates a hottie? I was totally thinking of it.

Wendy said...

Hmm. I wonder if Husbandrinka likes pepper on his food. I hope not.

jill jill bo bill said...

Did you date my ex? Oh, wait, you said he was gorgeous. The ex just thought he was.

K.Line said...

I too went out with a guy who was sooooo much better looking than me it was ridiculous. And he was kind of stupid too. Hmmmm.

blognut said...

I agree! The pepper should be on the table, so should the cheese. Also, the wine. Just put the wine on the table and I won't care as much about the pepper and the cheese.

HappyHourSue said...

I always say 'yes' to the big, poised, intimidating pepper mill because I think that's the sophisticated thing to do. When in fact, no, I don't want PEPPER on my salad.

Also: I decided not to marry a boy once when he licked his plate in a restaurant. I still don't regret it.

Belle said...

I don't believe for one minute that you are homely...

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I've never once considered the pepper thing strange. Now I will forever and ever.

And Bejewell - OMG.

Elisa said...

Ugh, that's gotta be annoying. And I'm with you about the wine thing, I find it incredibly pompous and stupid. Afterall, how many people do you know who ever send the bottle back after making such a show of smelling it, tasting it, and the whole thing?

Charmaine said...

Okay, here's the thing. When the pepper man arrives to inquire "pepper?" on a salad, say "yes".

"Pepper?" on french toast, say, "no".

It's not as if you can ever actually taste the pepper anyway. Dear Lord.

Jess said...

OMG I hate the peppermill thing. I used to work at Olive Garden and I despised having to ask if they wanted fresh parm on their dinner. It wasn't the fact that I didnt want to treat them to the next best thing to sex, but who wants a servers arms and finger fuzz all in their meal? I would have liked to just leave the fancy cheese grinder at the table and let the people do it themselves. The manager would yell at me when I did that, because for some reason, people wanted to take this awesome tool home instead of buying their own from pampered chef for 30 bucks. I think by the time I quit, I had 4 of them in my house LOL

Beth said...

Once my husband and I ate in an over-rated Italian restaurant in town where a new wine guy was being trained by a rude wine guy. The rude guy took the cork out and handed it to my husband for him to smell. My husband promptly put the cork in his ear. The rude wine guy carried on - which impressed me. But not nearly as much as my husband. I love when someone is silly during a stuffy ritual.

Heather said...

I have often wondered why they don't have pepper mills on the table and why do they have to be as long as a table leg?