Next time you see me, you'll have to congratulate me. "Why", you might ask? I have won a very prestigious award. Seriously, this is something one could only hope for. A real milestone. Are you curious?
Like how curious?
Ok, fine, I'll tell you what I won. But try not to be jealous.
"The World's Worst Mother"!
I know, I was shocked too. Are you curious to know what has led up to this amazing achievement? Read on. This is just a sampling of some of the scenarios that have occurred recently.
1. Last week, Alissa gets chain mail from a friend. Not email, but actual mail. Of course, if she doesn't send it to 10 of her friends, they won't get into the Guiness World Book of Records. To make matters worse, Guiness will find out that she was the one to break the chain. Here is the conversation...
Me: "Honey, this is chain mail. It isn't real, and it just wastes everybody's time. You cannot send this. People don't like getting this stuff, and I know your friend's parents won't appreciate it." Tell "E" (the girl who sent it) that it is chain mail, and that I won't let you do it.
Alissa - "How do you know it isn't real"? "E" knows this stuff. She knows a lot. This is real.
Me - (still being nice) "Honey, it isn't real. Trust me. I used to get stuff like this all of the time.
Alissa - "You are wrong. This is real. "E" is really smart."
(btw - no she's not, but I did not say this)
Me - (getting slightly annoyed) "Ok Alissa, hold on, and I'll look it up on the internet to see if it is real" (I go online, to an urban legend website, and lo and behold, there it is, giving the facts about how it is false)
"See here Alissa? It's fake. In fact, Guiness' website indicates clearly that they did not initiate this chain mail, and they don't want kids to participate in it."
Alissa - (very annoyed at this point) - "Why do you have to be one of those parents?"
Me - (knowing fully what she meant) "What do you mean sweetie"?
Alissa - "You know what I mean. You're one of those parents who...who...who...CHECKS STUFF ALL OF THE TIME! Why can't you just not pay attention and let me do whatever I want?"
Me - "Because then I wouldn't be doing my job. I can't allow you to send something out like this. I'm sorry. Besides, it's illegal."
interlude - tears, yelling, frustration from Alissa
Alissa -"Good, I'm glad it's illegal."
Me - "Why?"
Alissa - "Because then I could go to jail and do whatever I want. I could send out lots of chain mail from jail!"
Me - "Alissa..."
Evan interrupts: "Hey Mom, you said there were jails kids go to when they do stuff bad. Why don't you look one up on Google so we can take Alissa there?" (I swear, I'm serious)
No need to post what ensued. Generally, it was mayhem. Needless to say, I suppose that maybe they see me Googling stuff too much. Plus, I forgot that I had told the kids about juvenile detention.
2. We're driving the other day. Alissa was going to meet a friend, and was annoyed because she found out Evan was going to the pool, so she decided somehow that it was my fault that she decided to go play with someone. So, after explaining to her that she had already made the commitment to do something else, this is what happens...
Alissa: "It isn't fair. Evan gets to do fun stuff and I don't."
Me: "Honey, you're going to a friend's house. That is so much fun."
Alissa: "Well I didn't know Evan would get to go to the pool!"
Me: "Liss, we're going to get to go to the pool all summer. It isn't a big deal."
Alissa: "Well it is to me!"
Me: "I know, but really, you'll have a great time, and we'll go to the pool next week, ok?"
Alissa: "Ok, but only if I can go without Evan."
Me: "Well that's not really fair Alissa." You are spending the entire day with someone. He's going to the pool for an hour or so."
Alissa: " You're...you're...the WORLD'S WORST MOM!
Alissa: "You make me keep my promises and you always are trying to get me to do what is right!"
Me: " Well, sorry. It is what I have to do."
Alissa: "No, I mean it. You're the WORLD'S WORST MOM!!!"
Me: (feigning an Oscar speech) " Wow, I can't believe it. I never win anything! The competition for this prestigious award was really stiff. I didn't even prepare a speech. Let's see, first I'd like to thank..."
Alissa: "That's not funny! You think you're funny, but you're not. I don't want to talk to you!"
Alissa: "What do you mean by that?"
Alissa: "Hey, I know what you meant by that!"
Luckily, (for me), we pull up at the friend's house. Apparently, despite the fact that I'm the World's Worst Mom, she had a great time. When she got home, she was as sweet as pie.
I have many more scenarios I could recite, but I think I'll hang onto them for future posts. They're all pretty funny.
Seriously, though, when you see me, make sure to congratulate me. It's not easy being the World's Worst Mother, but I will try my best to carry out the title with dignity, pride, and a couple of margaritas now and then.